Looking back- I

Santhamma, I have spent almost 45 days, being alone at Vadapalani, with Lord Shiva’s blessings and your good soul by my side for ever. I am indebted to the caterer Mr. Sathya Narayanan, who supplies meals and tiffin regularly. The items are good, without upsetting my stomach. Though he cannot equate the taste of the items , you were serving with your motherly affection, he does a good job. He gives sumptuous side dishes, for which , I will be craving , as you are aware. I am trying to stabilize one by one, amidst all the uncertainties, the things for this craving stomach, after trials and tribulations. He supplies meals and Tiffin at 0800-0830 AM. Hungry stomach consumes the meals and I take the Tiffin with me and finishes it at the places wherever I will be. That is more convenient too, without the trouble of carrying meals. Use and throw aluminum foil gifted by Rama for her father is handy for the Tiffin. Night Tiffin, as you are aware, .I can manage with bread, corn flakes, biscuit, fruits and milk in the right combinations .When our servant maid Bommi, puts French leave(as is her usual) I am cleaning the vessels too, cursing her, which I was never used to. I am getting one by one new kind of experiences like these .I am accustomed to this new way of life, food and the more so the worst loneliness. So I need not worry on that, so also your soul.

Subha has gone to Singapore with Sreedhar, She will be with me after returning from Singapore and leave there by May. They were with me last month after my return from Dubai . Little child, pours her unstinted love and affection to her father, as Rama did. At Dubai .I have almost finalized a flat at Ashoknagar, in the same area, where we were about to finalise the flat owned by the son of Late. Sahasranamam , a seasoned actor .You were longing to move to Ashoknagar, a place of your liking and taste. It is HIS wish that I have to move to that area physically alone. Everything is good - daughters , relatives & well wishers are showing their love and affection. I am spending two hours daily for prayers, spend time on medidation, hearing your favourite carnatic music. I am conducting the classes as a professor and as a corporate trainer with regained spirit with your blessings. But the biggest vacuum, created by your demise, cannot be filled by any. A wide gap, which cannot be narrowed by any thing in this world.

As Sivaji Ganesan sings in Vietnam Veedu( a classic film in Tamil) Alam vizhudugal pol uravu ayiram irunthum enna, verana nee irunthai. veezhnthuvidathu irunthen .Enn thevaiyai yaar arivar? Unnaipol theivam onre ariyum( he compares his wife as the root of a Banyan tree, with the relatives to the branches- the root gives the stability. The needs of a husband will be known by HIM and his wife) When I was hearing the old songs ( the CD was meticulously made by our mappillai Kumar at Dubai for his FIL) this particular song was very much appealing to me. I will console myself with the feeling that your ever blessing soul is with me always. That is the reason that I am putting in all the gift covers for the functions I am attending-with best wishes from Hari& ever blessing soul of Santha from heaven.
The old Tamil film songs and music album from various carnatic songs collection you had made, are much solace for me at this period of life.. As Swami Parthasarathy told in his recent Discourse on Bhagavath Gita( I attended on all the five days) we get what we deserve and not what we desire. We have to increase our deserves not the desires. Probably I deserve for this melancholy as desired by HIM beyond my desires, the reason may be the effect of my deeds in my previous Janma., surely not due to the deeds in this Janma. The clear message after my Santhamma’s death, I get is –increase your deserves by more good deeds for the society-reduce your desires, which I scrupulously follow. Of course I am a very very ordinary human being. At times it is true, I feel for the cruelest loneliness, weep up the sad bosoms empty. But , I come back to normalcy, immediately. The motivation for that being is the clear message from your death-you were not a burden to any till your last days. EETHAL ISAI BADA VAZHNTHU VITTAI. I should follow that path , in all the days to come.The classic example , given by Actor Sivakumar- one may fail & fall in the first round in the boxing ground-but he should regain and manage to get up quickly, otherwise people will declare him out. is worthy to be followed. Human minds are bundles of emotions, but the intellect should overcome the emotions, without the mind being a slave to the emotions. This advice of Swami Parthasarathy, I am trying to follow in all the moments, when I fall in the brooding over the past.

UNN NINAIVE ORU SANGEETHAM-My memory goes back to 1977. A lean and alien Santha , slowly transforming into a more social lady after the marriage. As your soul and our well wishers appreciate , this poor man was also responsible for your development , some kind of identity for you. I am cherishing my contribution to that sphere of your life. We had debated and reached a consensus for all the decisions we made in our life, however major or minor, big or small. Once it is taken , it was ours. Not mine or yours. I am happy that we stand as a model couple in the eyes of others. The freedom , I am sure , you enjoyed as Hari’s wife, I feel , might have given birth to the freedom for our daughters with their better half, which was rightly pointed out by Jayashree, wife of our brother-in-law Sundar. A clear example of cause-effect.

I am hearing our favourite old Tamil film songs like-Ahayapanthalile pon oonjal aduthamma, Vizhiye ore Kathai Ezhuthu, Malligai un mannan mayangum, Ninaivale silai vaithen, kanchi pattuduthi karpura pottu vaithu, Manaivi amaivathellam Iraivan kodutha varam, taking me to our olden &golden days .

Sivaji Ganesan sings in the same song from the classic film Vietnam Veedu,( un kannil neer vazhinthal)- a more apt piece in that song- unnai karam pidithen valvu oli mayamanathadi unnai adainthathanal , sabayil pugazhum vanthathadi( after you became my wife I got fame, prosperity in my life). What is applicable to that prestiege Padmanabhan , is applicable to this sensitive Hari. Your lucky name brought many cheers to my life. You have left two pearls Rama &Subha from your womb. Kurai onrum Illai , Santhamma. I CAN LIVE PEACEFULLY WITH YOUR EVER-GREEN MEMORIES.,