Looking back-II

Santhamma, our second daughter Subha has been staying with me for the past three weeks, overwhelming me with her heartfelt love &affection. Nice child , like her sister Rama , plans meticulously for her duties to her father during her stay here, keeping her engrossed in the household duties without minding her being away from her caring and loving husband, without minding about her being absent from Singapore-her presence is needed now very much for fixing a flat for their stay at Singapore. I am blessed amidst all the adversities , as I say often.

I have overcome the feeling of loneliness, the worst state of mind for a widower. The metamorphosis , undergone , gave lot of bitter experiences, trials & tribulations and useful learning experiences. too. I am getting what I deserve. We will have to lose something in order to gain something . Probably it is HIS wish that I will have to lose you in order to gain certain useful lessons about people, their different faces and so on. Or I might not have poured this much love & affection if you were alive. I am not clear. Thanks to astrologer Chandrasekar , who gave positive guidance thru his words, the guiding tools like EKHA MUGI RUDRAKSHAM& SAPHIRE STONE. What I was in Sep 2006 and what I am now –a clear & positive deviation .Thru his phone calls and his personal visit thrice to our place , he has made a distinctive mark in my mind. Thanks to him. Lord Shiva has only sent this Chandrasekar for transformation in my mind. He is more than my brother now. One thing I differ with him-his prediction even -that I will live more-may be ninety. Normally people long for longitivity – I am the one who don’t want to live more-the number of years lived is not important-but how usefully it is spent that is more important. I emulate you in that aspect. Spending the rest of the life( max 10-15 years-not more than that-as I fervently pray to HIM) carrying out my obligatory duties to my daughters& their families and to the society . Nee illatha ulagathile nimmathi illai
( there is no peace without you in this world) . Without any preferential attachment , without much worldly desires, the balance part of my life should be spent-the ultimate goal being the self realization. In that aspect the spiritual discourse by Swami Parthasarathy is of ample guidance for me. He has shaken my mind towards betterment. HE is guiding me towards the right direction, thru right type of personalities. Probably it may be HIS wish that I will have to lose you in order to gain that spiritual enlightenment-I am perplexed at this moment. The book on Nadaimuraikku nirvagam
( practical Management ) is almost ready- the spade work for which was started in your being alive in this world. You would have told a lot of people that my beloved husband has written this book. Unfortunately you are not there in this world- I have dedicated that book for my beloved bereaved wife. It is astrologer Sekar’s wish that I should write more books like that in the future-definitely your noble soul’s wish too, I am sure. When I start penning down, words roll down very freely , with your noble blessings. Another piece –god udan oru chat
( a chat with GOD ) is on the pipe line. Your demise has driven me towards the positive diversion of conveying good messages to the public thru my tongue and hand. HE & your noble soul should be with me always in that noble venture.

Whenever, I feel depressed, I don’t know, immediately, I could manage to overcome and come back to normalcy. I could recall the old Tamil song from the film- Karpagam by director KS. Gopalakrishnan- Mannavane azhalama, kanneerai vidalama-unnuyirai naan irukka-ennuyirai nee irukka( don’t cry my dear, I am with you) . You might have been separated from me physically but you are spiritually with me for ever. No doubt on this. Otherwise I would have been nowhere. I am somewhere now. And I should be at a distinctive place –in the minds of many thru my speech and writings-which I consider as a small contribution to the society- I am already on the job of designing a training programme -KARMIC INTELLIGENCE-employing the principle of Karma for betterment of one’s life instead of using with a negative connotation. It is my fervent desire that a trust under your noble soul’ s name should be formed. –SANTHA TRUST. That should be like a banyan tree, sheltering many .The proceeds out of all my books and the above programme-will go to that Trust .If HIS and your noble soul’s blessings are there for that, what can stand in the way? If our wishes, ways and means for that are for some noble purposes , definitely HE and your noble soul will be with me in that endeavour, I am sure.

UN NINAIVE ORU SANGEETHAM- I recall my days in 1976, when my father started my marriage proposal with a rich girl in our village, about whom I made a mention to you after our marriage. I was very firm in making you as my life partner –not because my grand father and my mentor Manicka thatha ( even now I emulate him as a role model in all facets of my life) asked me to do but also I longed for you. So many people claimed responsibilities for that marriage to happen( the same tongues feel sorry now for that marriage to happen- Oh, you lost your wife-you would have married somebody other than Santha –they say now.) What a twisting world? No regrets, Santhamma. Kurai onrum illai. We may not be living together , physically. But , you are with me in each and every moment of my life, wherever I move. That spiritual guidance is a great boon for me , a constant motivational force. When I am seeing a lot of couples , living only for the world, without any bondage, I am really proud that I am living eternally with you , though your being separated from me physically from this world. What ever little things I do for you daily-be it the rice-dhal-ghee mixture to the crows( imagining that you will come and eat in that form) or the jasmine flower I adorn with your portrait or the placing of the usual red coloured jacket piece ( as your representative ) during my daily pooja and taking that piece with me to my classes or other places –I do with utmost sincerity and pleasure from my heart . I feel your presence with me both psychologically and physically. I feel and I am sure too that only a very few couples will have that kind of pleasurable experiences , despite their being separated by that cruelest fate. I am proud to be one among them and I will continue to be in that list till my last breath.