Un Ninaive Oru Sangeetham…….

New Avadhar

2008-11-15T20:45:00.000-08:00

Santhamma, your new Avadhar in your present Janma as Harsha, our grand daughter is growing well with the meticulous care & concern and scrupulous follow up by our daughter and the baby’s mother Rama. Poor girl is doing many sacrifices for her child-be it her food , sleep and other comforts. Otherwise the baby would not have picked up from the below weight to normal. You should be proud of having a caring mother and father for you in this Janma. It is said that the grand parents come back to this world after their death. It is not they but their unfulfilled desires and ambitions take shape for rebirth, without which the karma account will not get settled. After all we get children for settlement of our karmic accounts .
Harsha resembles you in many bodily structures and postures –be it the shape of the chubby cheeks & chin and the postures of the raised hands, folding and spread of the legs while sleeping. I would be wondering of the creation of GOD, while observing the baby and the movements. All your unfulfilled desires – longing of parental care, love& affection , the craving for richness which I could not give to the extent you expected.( Of course you and I know the limitations due to our family commitments . I was planning to give all you longed for .Alas you were then snatched away from me suddenly by the cruel fate.) I will continue that in your present janma as Harsha, the angel that has entered in our family. No doubt you will be showered with the love and affection by Rama & Kumar as the most caring parents. You are blessed with that, and we too, to have you again in our family. People say that you were not fortunate to see and pour the love to the grandchild .But , if the intentions of your soul and HIS desires are for you to enter as the baby to Rama , how can you be alive? When you have to be the recipient, how you can be a giver? When you have to be a beneficiary, how can you be a donor of love? If something is lost, then only we can get another. We are only too poor to understand this law of life

No doubt the angel baby will bring many positive transformation in our family to all, bringing good fortune , wealth and happiness. Harsha should have a brother or sister soon thru Subha& Sreedhar for which I make my fervent prayers now.

To meet to love and to part is the saddest tale of human heart –our beloved daughter Rama had been with me for the past fifteen months . I could do whatever possible from my side and arranging the maximum for her comforts and for the angel baby after her arrival. Of course I can’t compensate the motherly affection that should have been given by you , if you were alive. But I could do the maximum , without letting her feel for the comforts. I did not do any but HE and your SOUL were with me behind, enabling me to with stand the trials and tribulations. I used to wonder how it were possible .If HE and your soul were with me who can be against us? More than anything else the enormous patience , extraordinary conviction exercised by Rama ,the two strengths given by HIM, were the motivation for me, without that I could not have done anything at all.. Hats off to our daughter Rama. Harsha’s angelic face , her smile and her body movements reverberate in my mind. She has left for Dubai to be taken care by her affectionate father , who has also done much sacrifice –be it food, comforts for the sake of the baby longed for .Both the parents’ sacrifice have paid dividends-as your new Avadhar. You should excel to be a shrewd, intelligent –jack of all trade girl –sakala kala valli- as I use to tell Rama often,. You will and you should. Your parents and your grand father ( this poor man if he has more longevity) in your new Avadhar will be behind you , undoubtedly, Santhamma. I use to feel about their absence but will soon overcome with the feeling that all are inevitable. They have left for betterment. I also think now that you also left this world for betterment in the next Janma. All destined by HIM. We are too ignorant to understand those facts.When our two daughters are contacting me , pouring their love and affection thru the telecom daily what is the necessity for lamenting? Instead of building up that strength, what is the use of worrying about the have-nots? Converting the threat of loneliness into an opportunity of doing many useful deeds and ideals is the need of my present hour. I have realized now and I strive for that indeed.

I am seeing you in Harsha and also in all the noble deeds of Shanthanjali Trust., which will be officially registered during next week. See the beauty. You were very sensitive and our near and dear call you as roshakkaari .Somehow the process of registration of the trust got delayed , I did not realize the reason at that time. Now I found. You know how? We got the mediclaim reimbursement for your treatment after my Bagiratha Prayarthanam ( as termed by Rama) by moving up to LIC Ombudsman panel. I decided long back that amount should go to your trust. It is your soul’s wish and HIS wish too that the Shanthanjali Trust can be registered only after the credit of the above amount got in your favour. Such was your sensitiveness. I am sure you will arrange for the pouring of funds for many noble deeds to be executed with the Shanthanjali Trust. If Santhamma is with me in that endeavour , why I and other trustees should bother?

Home should be the center and not the periphery of our action. I will follow that ideal thru that trust . I am sure I can lead the rest of my life peacefully with that purpose –the rest may mean days or months or years, I don’t bother .EEETHAL ISAIPADA VAZTHAL My living should be meaningful, purposeful to many not only to my near and dear. You proved that in your last janma, which I should also follow during the rest of my life. For that reason only, I long for more physical & mental stamina remaining as self reliant –physically, mentally , financially and psychologically . Will your noble soul and HIS divine grace be with me for that , till my last breath? I am sure they will. My fervent prayers are for that only, Santhamma.

Dhavapudhalvi

2008-07-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

Santhamma, the much& very eagerly awaited has happened. Rama gave birth to the female child.You have come back to the same family. It should happen. The unfulfilled desires , aspirations and what not can’t be destroyed. Physics says matter can neither be created nor destroyed. Same way desires can’t go into the earth along with the dead body. It has to find a way for that. The theory of Karma too , with which I have a firm belief and with which I have been doing the Karmic Intelligence Programme., dictates that .

Looking back and tracing back my activities with the last 9 months , I am wondering how I was able to support Rama , taking the twin responsibility . People are calling me Thayumanavan I am nothing when compared to her.. The real credit goes to Rama only Because of her extraordinary will power and patience , she could manage and maintain her health throughout the nine crucial months. She was able to control her tongue-at times I might have used my bad tongue with harsh words, that too, to force her to take certain healthy foods. That only had created some tussle between us. Poor child, has withstood more trials and tribulations for the baby in the womb I was trying t o give the healthy foods for the body , mind , soul of the baby thru rich food, & rich spiritual slogas, songs and music. .Only a very few mothers would have done that. Her patience and persistence have paid the dividends.

Harsha , that Dhava Pudhalvi has been born. Rosy, brisky girl child has been given by HIM. That name has been coined by her parents ( a common name for a boy or a girl) a few months back. , a combination of her maternal grandparents name. When Rama explained the reason behind that name, I was much overwhelmed. The fruit of our hard efforts will be felt with the deserving recognition from the concerned. I am blessed to have such a caring daughter and son –in-law. The efforts directed at the aimed goal , when hit the target , will make us forget the strenuous efforts. It is HE and your soul who have given the physical and mental stamina in my journey towards my desired goal in the last 9 months.

Do you know Santhamma, just a few days back of Harsha’s birth , a desire to float a management consultancy with the exact name of HARSHA ( Harsha Management Solutions as it is going to be registered) with another worthy partner of same wavelength and similar skill of mine came to my mind . What a coincidence , indeed? Like the grandchild, that brain child of ours will have a bright future. I seek your blessings for that.

We should thank Dr. Jeyarani , with her ever- smiling face. for her meticulous care ,
Iwas somehow conditioned to the different aspects of the hospital – their hard-working doctors with their para-medical staff , the melodious music spreading through the lift path, the word –ayamma( the support staff ladies) all have registered in my mind. Even though HE is the Creator , HE delegates HIS major jobs to these kind of team .Thanks to those team and I bow to them.

To meet to love and to part is the saddest tale of human heart. Even though I should not think that, my mind starts worrying about the torturous loneliness , that is in evitable say after another four months. After your departure from this world, Rama was with me for 3 months, immediately I went to Dubai to be with her. I was undergoing loneliness from Feb- Aug ’07 after wards Rama has been there with me . I have been doing my assigned responsibilities to my beloved daughter . That is the period which taught many useful lessons- physical, mental & psychological .That is the period which taught many

Wonderful lessons on patience . Your soul and HIS grace were with me. If GOD and Santhamma’s soul be with me, who can be against me? Each and every step we took, each and every decision we planned all proved to be worth while. A journey of thousands miles starts with the single step. The pleasant part of that journey is the birth of Harsha
With the star of the Lord Mahavishnu. Mahalakshmi has entered into our house with the star of her Lord . Let HARSHA bring all the fortune , peace and happiness to all concerned. HE should give more years to me to witness not only Harsha’s progress but also the progress of the child to be born to Sreedhar-Suba. and also the progress of HARSHA Management Solutions.and Shanthanjali Trust. With your blessings , my efforts should spread to others outside our family. Home should be the center of our action . and not its periphery in action.. Shanthanjali Trust should spread its wings in all possible directions.

Un Ninaive Oru Sangeetham

We are seeing you in Harsha. Karma theory says that people leave this world to come back for undertaking the unfulfilled mission. You have miles to go miles to go It is yet another journey for you through Harsha. How long I will be there with your resumed journey HE and your soul alone know . One thing I wish to point out at this moment of joyfulness –I have many more promises to keep many more promise to keep. I have done my duties to my daughters to my satisfaction. I will uphold my responsibilities not only to them but to the deserving and to the society, in all the future through HARSHA MANAGEMENT SOLUTIONS , and Shanthanjali Trust., for which I crave for your blessings and spiritual support . No doubt you will pour that out..

Trials &Tribulations

2008-05-06T00:00:00.000-07:00

It is almost 21 months since you left us Santhamma. It is seven months since your soul has entered the womb of our daughter Rama.

Poor girl, longing for the motherly care& concern , which I am trying to compensate, to the best of my ability and skill. HIS grace and the blessings of your soul are with me, guiding , consoling and motivating me at all times, at this crucial hours of greater responsibility. You are idling safer at your daughter’s womb, for which we are taking all our efforts. God-sent cook Santhanam who nourishes Rama with his nice food items, with her meticulous choice( en excel sheet of daily menu was made by Subha & Rama for the guidance of the cook) and the sisterly care of Maheswari , our servant maid Bommi’s sister’s daughter. The family of Bommi might have owed to us in their previous Janma, which it is repaying now. All goes well and should with the rest of the 90 days. I use to tell all that you will be born as a male child to Rama on the date of birth of your second daughter and at your star in your last Janma-falling on 31st July.
We await that day.
It is said that parents get children for the settling of Karma accounts and it is true with my case in respect of my two daughters. Subha, pours her love & affection daily thru telephone and she feels a lot for not being able to help me.I use to tell her that her love & affection, care & concern compensate her absence in multiples . She might have owed a lot in her previous janma to me which she repays in the present janma and I might have owed a lot to Rama in my Previous Janma , which I am repaying now. The only thing is that both of us are doing it with the utmost sincerity and devotion, from the bottom most of our heart-not as a duty but with passion.
The fruit of our efforts will be realized on the day of seeing you as a child to Rama. All the trials and tribulations, I have undergone , will be totally forgotten on that Joyful moment, like a student getting centum in Maths after the hectic preparation.

UN NINAIVE ORU SANGETHAM- to day ( 6-06-08) is the star birth day of yours and as usual we have family functions where we have grand meals with all. Yes Kalyani Chithi’s grandson Shreyas’( son of Cheema& Shoba) upanayanam function falls on this day and we all gather . We will be remembering you on that grand occasion.

We had shashtiaptha Bhoorthy for my brother Rajamani , which was celebrated grandly.
I did my prayers for his & manni’s good health and long life on that day. Recited Rudram along with vedic scholars .That ambition could not be fulfilled in respect of your sister Thaila’s father-in-law’s Sadabishekam, due to the untimely demise of her mother-in-law. I was consoled atleast with my brother’s 60th birth day function

Dear Santhamma

2008-01-18T06:04:00.000-08:00

Santhamma. I am talking to you after a gap of four months. A huge gap indeed.

Lot of good things have happened. Rama is on the family way. Our dreams have come true. You should come out as a boy or girl without any trouble from her womb.
Poor girl is missing the motherly love & affection from you. When HE decides that you should be inside her womb how can she get? Under doctor’s advice she should be under complete rest with the exception of her daily routines. We engaged a cook after much trial & error one Lakshmi was regular . Unfortunately she has to be at Kumbakonam for her sister’s delivery. As promised she could not return. We are somehow managing with the items given by one Mami who prepared for your Anniversary functions. With the help of Bommi’s ( our servant maid) relative girl I am managing. Your deposit of good deeds yields the returns thru somebody or other .HE is great and YOUR noble deeds are great.

Rama worries toooooo much about the baby .probably her miscarriage on her seemantham day might have made her think like that. It is YOU who should give more courage and will power to her .Pl do and be with her in her mind..

I am doing my twin duty as a father and mother. What all I was not used to when you were alive( I thought all were not my cups of tea) I start doing now. Be it washing the clothings of Rama, drying and arranging nicely. ,preparing vegetable soup,. sundal daily arranging her hot water bath etc. Poor girl feels very much hungry and we have to give something at regular intervals. We can give food , and all other infrastructures but she has to be confident , bold . When you are inside her , why she should feel like that?. Child is the father of man. You should instill that courage to her

Ramalakshmi, my sister from Varanasi came to Chennai. In spite of my request to her to be with me at this crucial juncture , when the domestic help is away , she did not respond positively. That is world. The hard teacher, experience, gives many tests and useful lessons and this episode is one such. OORAI THERINCHUKITTEN ULAHAM PURINCHUKITTEN KANMANI AN KANMANI . That song sung by Rajni Kanth in a Tamil film comes to my mind. At least actor Rajni had his life partner by his side to console. To whom I should go excepting your soul.? PL give me the mental stamina, of course that is the one gift I am getting in plenty after your departure from this world.HE has made me identify the true colour of so many-kith & kins, friends, relatives and so on which makes me not sad but equipping me with more fortitude.

I was reading one of the great pieces of the Tamil writer Kalki -Sivakamiyin sabhatham There he gives a message as told by the great Saivite Thirunavukarasar

What we think as happiness or sorrow are not real happiness or sorrow : all due to the maya created by the bondage ( pasam as we call in Tamil). If we overcome that bondage no happiness or sorrow-all are same. we will attain that bliss of reaching HIM.

Very difficult to reach that state but it is not that much impossible . I can attain that state surely .With HIS & YOUR blessings Rama should give birth a child safely and I should see a child for Subha soon. I will lead a an active public life for another four or five years After wards I want to settle at Thiruvannamalai , the place which gives Moksha on remembering that name. My last days will be at that place only . As I pray before my daily meditation , my last moment will be on that place and on the most auspicious day for Lord Siva , my favourite GOD , the Mahashivarathri day after my healthy and fervent prayers to HIM. Whether it is another ten years or more ( which is known to HIM and to YOU only) I should lead a wealthy& healthy life without dependence on any-
physically , mentally, financially & psychologically. I should be able to help others with the above four . This is the fervent prayer I make to HIM daily, which I am sure will be granted.

UN NINAIVE ORU SANGEETHAM- I could not do any service when you were carrying Rama in your womb, since you were away to take rest at your mother’s place. I am happy that I am able to do that service to you when you are in her womb.
I was sad at that time and I am very happy now . I thank YOU and HIM for that nice opportunity .I was told by my friend Vaal Raghu , immediately on informing the happy news of Rama being on the family way, that YOU came on the dreams of his wife
Geetha , your friend, and told her that Rama is on the family way and she( Geetha) should help her. It had happened exactly on the day of the confirmation by the doctor about the happy news.. YOU are great indeed. When are you going to come on my dreams? As an answer I am able to hear YOU saying –what is the necessity of coming in dreams when I am always with you in each & every act of yours? That is true Santhamma. Absolutely true. Otherwise I should have been nowhere after your departure from this world..

Bye now

TOUGH TIMES NEVER LAST….TOUGH PEOPLE DO…

2007-09-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

Santhamma , days are moving fast. One year has passed after your departure from this world. People normally welcome September –Come September . In my case it is drive off September-Go September. The month that made you off from this world. Anyhow what that month will do? Now I am taking everything as it comes. The metamorphosis in me during this one year is something positive. From nowhere to some where .Negative thoughts , wild imagination about various events and plans haunted my inflicted mind. Finally I accepted the harsh reality and digested and reconciled .Four people are responsible for this paradigm shift and I thank them profusely for their interest in me. - the first one is the lady selling idlies nearer to our own flat in Vadapalani , who cautioned me about my falling health on 18th Oct ’06 exactly after one month of your departure from this world, the second is astrologer Shri. Chandrasekar,- he is more than a brother for me,who gave positive guidance and shaped me for betterment thru his continuous guidance-by phone & his frequent personal visits to Chennai:- the third one being the Gita exponent Swami Parthasarathy, who showed a distinct spiritual path for me and the last and not the least one is my reverent Guruji Shri .Narayanan , who thru his ATMA GNANA YOGA programme and his personal life example( who taught useful lessons to me like-so what , what next? Life is a tape recorder. Don’t have your life with rewinding or fast forward but with play only –that alone can give music. The other two will give only noise. His Yoga exercises are helping me to maintain a good health). All these people were GOD-sent and with your blessings too. These are the people who have lifted my personality enabling me to lift the world., for which I am equipping myself slowly. HE gives the illness and the remedy too. All happens with some purpose in life. We are only too ignorant to grasp this. If that Gnana comes , we will go nearer to HIM. When , how , which Janma.? That is also HIS will. I find myself reaching towards the maturity level that I should accept life as it comes .Ego, anger, lust , jealousy are all vanishing . Will follow the principle of thinking good, speaking good and doing good for the mind, body , soul and to others. Service and sacrifice are the two vehicles that make us reach toward GOD which will be pursued by me during the rest of my life.

With HIS will and with YOUR blessings , we are launching SHANTHANJALI TRUST today , which will carry out purposeful activities to the needy. I will be at Thiruvannamalai on this day visiting Arunachaleswarar temple and Ramanamaharishi Ashramam. Somehow Thiruvannamalai has become nearer to my body , mind & soul so much. Even I use to contemplate that my last moments will be at that place, that is close to LORD SHIVA, who is my favourite GOD. This soul should leave the body at the most auspicious time of Mahashivarathri for LORD SHIVA at that place., that is my fervent prayer. People say that the very name of that place will make us get salvation. I long for that salvation in that holy place.

Rama, our elder daughter has come with our son-in-law Kumar. She will be here with me .If HIS will and YOUR blessings are there, she should leave for Dubai with a child. That is our prayer and your last wish too. I am enjoying her company. From loneliness to love & affection from my dearest daughter- from preparing food, serving food, eating food, cleaning all the vessels lonely (like an othan who does the rituals for the deceased persons on the 11th day) to doing joyfully with my dear and affectionate daughter. HE and YOU should give me that golden opportunity of doing my twin responsibility as a father and mother( Thayumanavan as they call in Hindu Mythology) to my daughters. I did not have the opportunities to take care of you, by your side, when you were in family way for Rama& Subha –our two daughters , since you were away from me on heath reasons in the case of Rama and due to my official assignments in the case of Subha. HE & YOU should give that opportunities of taking care of my daughters during their pregnancy. I long for that service to Rama soon , to be followed to Subha .Will YOU bestow that?

Experience is a hard teacher , who gives test first and lessons later. That teacher has given me lot of tests in this one year period, and many valuable lessons too . The minds , attitudes and the real colours of so many , that teacher has enabled me to identify .I am nothing to judge them , only thing they are settling the Karma account with me , that is all. I am conditioned to all odds-going without proper food or no food , due to the late arrival or without proper stuff for the stomach ( that was loaded with varieties by you , which was not properly responded by me in your life time) or cleaning the vessels after odd hours due to non arrival of servant maid , cleaning the floors on your thithi days, arranging & preparing the vessels for cooking , making the milk & yoghurt –all these I thought as something –not my cup of tea-It is HE and YOU made me realize that I should be accustomed to it. Rama is asking me now - how appa, can you eat very little subji for the meals and certain subjies not liked by you ,given by the caterer, which is not your usual? I use to tell her- HE & your mother’s good soul have at least given this , when so many are striving for one square meal. I should be thankful to THEM. I am accustomed to all odds and more so to the torturing loneliness. When ever I feel depressed , I use to stand before your enlarged photo. When I weep, I find that reflection in your photo. When I find myself joyful due to the good experience in the
class /corporate lectures, I find that happiness in your photo. The world is a mirror image of what we see. YOU are my world, so that is why it happens, I presume .YOU are like that Monolisa to me..

I have never failed to do the 12 months rituals done every month(excepting at my stay and inevitable occasion at Dubai) for you as per the traditions. I am proud to say that I have done to you single handedly in these days-the duties to the deceased done like a son . Excepting two or three occasions, not a day passed without offering rice-dhal-ghee combination offered to the crows amidst my busy schedule in the morning, I can say with certainty. This is not something to blow my own trumpet , but to make it known to others about my humble service to my departed wife, whom I have not served like this even in her life time, I doubt. Somehow, our wish, that the year end rituals should be done at Varanasi is not able to be materialized. Probably it should be done with all our
ancestors ‘s rituals, that may be HIS & YOUR wish.

Your joy of serving will continue thru the Shanthanjali Trust, we are dedicating today. You always care for others more than the family members. YOU were always following the lesson that our home should be the centre , not the boundary of our affection. Thru Shanthanjali Trust , that statement will come true, I can assure YOU.

You remember that I was mentioning about the prayer to GOD as sent by my friend Bala.
That prayer I do regularly, of course with betterment.

That will give you some idea about the paradigm shift in me , during this one year period.

Prayer 1.:- I love you GOD. GOD, YOU are bestowing me good or bad depending upon the deeds done in my last janmas. You are highly impartial. YOU give me valuable lessons , experiences daily and thru that some sort of clarity in my mind

Prayer 2:- I thank you GOD. YOU dragged my dear from me, but YOU have given me the most loving, caring daughters, son-in-laws, relatives, friends, who are enabling me to have attachment to my life. I should do something useful for others and lead a meaningful life. YOU have given the gift –skill of teaching , thru which I impart life skills for the students , whom I treat like my own children. They are also much attached to me . YOU have given the writing skills , thru which I will spread valuable messages to the society. I will do useful & needy programmes for the poor students. I will help the needy –physically, financially .Thank you GOD for blessing me with this kind of thoughts .

Prayer 3:- YOU are inside me. Please guide me properly and lead towards the right path. Purge off the negative thoughts, anger, jealousy completely from me. Give me mental stamina, positive mind and courage

Prayer 4:- I am attracting YOUR blessings. Please pour YOUR blessings in carrying out my assigned responsibilities as a parent,( twin responsibilities as a mother& father)
in carrying out my social obligations to the deserving children and the needy , with the gift given to me, enlighten the youth for shaping their future, with my writing gift given by YOU , spreading the purposeful message to the society-all these require a sound mind, body with good thoughts . O GOD , bestow me with sound health, mind, wealth , wisdom so that I can stand on my own legs-physically, mentally, financially, psychologically. How many years I am going to live –that is immaterial. How useful I am to others –that is more important. The astrologer says that I will longer-I am not attracted by that. In fact I make a fervent prayer to YOU that –I want to live for another max-10 to 15 yrs only. The balance left out life , pl utilize for some needy person.

GOD, no more Janma for me. Take this soul by your side, when it leaves this sinful body& mind. That too take this life when this body and mind are engrossed with the prayer to its favourite GOD LORD SHIVA, on the most auspicious day of Mahashivarathri.Pl give that blessings to me.

Prayer 5:- GOD I am seeing you every where. I find every body as your reflection. I try to do something good for each.

Prayer 6:- GOD, forgive those who have done bad for me. I don’t have any eligibility to judge them. Pl bless them, still I love them.

Prayer 7:- GOD , Let me do YOUR good work.Thru the Shanthanjali Trust, let this body & mind get the satisfaction of serving for others. The departed soul of my beloved wife was finding immense pleasure in serving others, which will be continued thru that trust.

Each and every syllable of this prayer will be scrupulously followed by me till my last breath. As is said nicely, TOUGH TIMES NEVER LAST, TOUGH PEOPLE DO. I have somehow crossed the one year tough period. I am sure this tough man with his conviction and clear direction & proper goal will lead a meaningful and purposeful life –that may be HIS will . Santhamma Pl offer YOUR blessings for that mission .

Santhamma, we get what we deserve. I deserve this kind of life due to my bad deeds in my previous janmas. I can’t rewrite that. But I can shape my future with the good deeds that are to be done by me from now onwards. That is with me and my free will, the wonderful gift given by GOD, is alert now and with YOUR blessings that will surely guide me properly .

Santhamma, UN NINAIVE ORU SANGEETHAM. The thirty years of our married life is something to be cherished upon for ever . With that memories and with the service to the humanity , I can lead the rest of my life peacefully , if not joyfully, of course useful for others. If the contents of this blog can tell some useful message to the youngsters and if they lead a happy and purposeful life, settling their differences, I & YOUR soul will be much happier. That I feel will be a right &useful step towards the society

My life guidelines will be, as told by the wise old man:-

Free your heart from hatred
Free your mind from worry
Live simply
Give more
Expect less

I will not trouble you every month here afterwards: will contact you when ever I feel like. Till then bye bye.

HE is meticulous programmer

2007-08-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

Santhamma, recent happenings , in this world will be updated to you. Mandi Srinivasan after a hectic battle with lung cancer passed away on a Monday. Monday may be a day of leaving this world for good people, it may be HIS wish. A good soul who was toiling for the company he was working for. How the company is going to help his family especially his not-so developed son. In a way I am better and well off .I use to recollect the saying-I was in blues, since I had no shoes, until I see a man in the street who had no legs. Life is an event of consolation and compromise. I made my self consoled with my state of mind compared to his. Mandi wept from his heart last time when I visited him before his death. .He made a remark that a widower is a zero after the separation. Whether I will be a zero or with your backing all the ways and all the days I am going to make my life meaningful –the time will be the witness. Surely the latter will become the reality,. with HIS blessings and with your good soul wishes. I am sure and I pray for that too.

Things have started moving in that direction. I have joined with ATMA GNANAYOGA TRUST to do free programme for students, for which we have started the job.

The long –cherished programme of mine KARMIC INTELLIGENCE got flagged off at Tuticorin, at PALMS , which was well received and made me satisfied. As I have been repeatedly telling, all the major proceeds out of that programme will be spent for the charity , which I am planning to start under your goodself name SANTHA TRUST, on 18-09-07 , your first anniversary day. I am happy that the Jaycee movement , that has been instrumental for my well being , has put the PILLAYAR CHUZHI for your trust. I wish and pray that trust will serve for so many needy, telling your name in all the days to come , irrespective of my presence in this world or not. I am also happier on that Saturday , 12th August, when I gave a guest lecture at Sagar Sadan the guest house of SPIC .You remember my oath that I will enter SPIC FACTORY premises only as a faculty. It was made to happen on your star day, the Punarpoosam star. It is HIS and your good soul’s wish for that.

HE is a meticulous programmer in all. HE does with utmost precision well in advance. We are only ignorant on each. The moment we land on this world, on a transit visa, the expiry date of which HE only knows , each and every thing is very meticulously planned well in advance by HIM.

Take my case of learning the house hold activities. HE has planned about my being alone in 2006, HE has made a solid ground for that in 1966, well before 40 yrs when my mother died and I was to help my father in household activities. Even when I was enjoying your tastier and different varieties of food , I was keeping aloof from going too many with my self imposed restrictions. Probably HE might be prepared for me to this lonely state , so that I can control my tongue. You remember you used to ridicule that I have been taking these ayurvedic items like ANJAL , SAMAHAN, THOODHUVALAI , NILAVEMBU etc. In fact they are in handy now for me to keep my health better.

The Jaycee movement , which I started as a pastime , and using the training sessions as my service to students and society became my profession. Now it has become my passion. The students and the other participants whom I see during my training sessions make me forget my worries and the loneliness. I get enthused in being the company of many. As Swami Parthasarathy says in his GITA discourse, home should be the centre and not the periphery of our action. HE has made my life meaningful in sharing my knowledge and skill in teaching( a gift bestowed by HIM) with the needy. He has thought about it well in advance in 1986 , twenty years before the tragedy HE planned to give in my life. What a meticulous programmer HE is?

After Rama’s marriage, I was somehow attracted towards religious and spiritual activities, thanks to Ananatharama mama of Indian Airlines . I was the youngest. Sometimes I used to think why I am fascinated towards this rigorous religious activities, which is normally a post–retirement activity for average human beings like me. The answer for these HE has kept with HIM and disclosed after your departure. HE has mentally prepared me to withstand the crude shock , HE planned to give it to me. A spiritually strong person can face the hurdles and difficulties. HE is making me to move in that direction. That may be the preparation HE gave it me in terms of the spiritual programme which I and Subha attended just before her marriage. The timely warning and the measures of overcoming my problems in health as given by the astrologer Chandrasekar was HIS intention. His motivation and positive direction are all a source of GOD-sent inspiration. On the same grounds , immediately after my shifting to Ashoknagar , the yoga programme and the subsequent association with the Guruji Narayanan has been as per HIS will and direction. If at all , I get more meaning and purpose to my life even after the gruesome tragedy of your departure and my being alone
it is because of that Guruji. He is a role model for me, sent by HIM. As you know , I am an ardent devotee of LORD SHIVA .It is the Lord SWARNAPUREESWARA who made my mind very tough on that fateful day 18-09-06 , when I fell before HIM to decide about your future. HE made me to take the most painful decision in my life-to withdraw the life support for you in the hospital, but for that your soul should have been tortured more.
After my recent pilgrimage to Thiruvannamalai and visit to Ramanasramam , my mind wanders around that place. Two days back , one rich, pious and highly spiritual person called Dr. Selvaraj ,an ardent devotee of Ramana Maharishi , referred by PK.Venkatraman of our Rudram group , visited our place. HE gave me the opportunity of sharing my training skills and techniques with that person, about which he told your being is shown by Lord Arunachala to me. His spiritual association I am sure will be much beneficial, since both of us are of same wavelength . HE is again proved to be a meticulous programmer.in shaping our life for betterment.

Alas , HE also planned your departure , meticulously. The leptopyrosis you had , might have planted seeds for your departure, after which , your well being , slowly started coming down. The briskness and spirit , you had in SPIC NAGAR dwindled down. As one participant in one of my programmes in Anna institute and a doctor by profession pointed about , your leptopyrosis would have led to HEPATATIS B , which would have erupted suddenly .HE would have planned for your sudden departure thru that .Every time , you fall sick, I used to be by your side and would take care. But it is HIS will and wish that I was prevented from doing so on your last days, my hands and minds were tied due to my being affected with chickun Guniya . What else can explain this other than Karma? When I was narrating this incident to my participants of my recent programme on KARMIC INTELLIGENCE , I could not control myself. HE meticulously plans and executes according to our Karma , which we are not aware of. We cannot rewrite the past but we can do with our future thru our good and unselfish deeds. Probably it may be HIS wish that I should devote more time for the society thru my training programmes. That may be HIS wish and will . that may be the reason for my completing my responsibilities as a father.
Don’t bother more about your daughters. They are well off. Your wife had seen all in that young age. I have taken her towards my abode on that auspicious day-somavara dhuvadasi day in a a Malayapaksham . Her mission in her life is fulfilled-her account balance is nil. You have more negative balance, which has to be settled. Settle that too and come to me. I am showing that path of settlement also to you.
My mind ponders over these very often now and I intend to move in that path , destined by HIM. HE is a meticulous programmer , indeed.

UN Ninaive Oru Sangeetham- I had been to SPIC NAGAR last week. Our olden & golden days , I was able to recollect . You were like a queen in SPIC NAGAR, of which I have also been a part. I am proud of that. Some of the old friends are not even aware of your being away from this world. But your being is always with me , guiding me and inspiring me in each and every activity, in each and every decision I take.-be it my recent decisions on my continuing my classes in a business school or my programmes for a corporate-you make me take the right step. Pl continue to be with me for ever.
.

Endurance, the Ever lasting Cure –My Life Lesson

2007-07-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

Blog 10- Title- Endurance, the Ever lasting Cure –My Life Lesson

Santhamma, Vaithy has left for Dubai and he is in search of job. With HIS & your noble soul’s blessings, he should settle soon, which are our fervent wish for ever for him. Kalpagam , the lady who worked with me in the consultancy when we came from SPIC( you know we have visited her house near Kapali temple , she will resemble like Jc, A.V.Ramanathan ‘s wife Saratha , you used to tell frequently) is looking after MIND-QUEST. I have made her a partner, so that she can have more say in business & profits. That is what I longed for Vaithy, unfortunately he is not for it. It is my desire that Mind-quest should spread its wings wide since it was started on your name. I am more particular on that. I am sure Kalpagam will fulfill our ambitions.

What can’t be cured should be endured. That is the unique lesson HE has been giving to me from my childhood. If I tend to analyse my life path it will be a bell shaped curve-starting from the scratch , going to the peak coming to bottom again.

Be it my being brought up by one malayala thatha( I don’t remember his face , but his love& affection to me has been registered in my inner consciousness-the hard disk with infinite bites memory) It was he who saved me from death , when I drank kerosene at my 3rd age, people use to tell. His care& concern brought me from the scratch.. I was with my thatha and patti till they left for Sengottai, with my uncle(vaithy’s parents) with aunt .I was with my parents together for 6 months. Mother died after six months of my joining with her. Helping my father to take care of my younger brothers( which is very much useful to lead my present lonely life taking care of me in my household affairs -thanks to HIM for the nice training given, well before, with the present state of things in HIS mind-HE is a perfect planner indeed.

Manicka thatha , my mentor and the person who was responsible for giving a college education, against my father’s wish, gave me some identity and confidence for me. If I am somewhere now, it is he who is responsible for that.. He was not there to see my coming in flying colours in BSc, with my being a gold medalist. He was very happy about my coming in school first the highest mark at that time. One of the peaks in my life came flattening with my unemployment for one year, which made me demotivated. With the blessings of Raman sir’s brother Narayanan , I got a job in Madura coats, subsequently in SPIC, there again my own father refused to give me guarantee with his house at Kalakad for my bond in SPIC. It was Kalyani Patti who came forward for that bond. I remember that great soul even now.Her gesture was also one of the reasons for my decisions to marry you .

In SPIC too I had a good career , to a certain period, career wise extra interests like Jaycees etc. you were active in ladies club, Jayceerettes. Etc. That too was not for ever. The recognition I was longing for, was not given. I decided to quit against the interests of many family members but with sole back up of my beloved wife.You were like queen in SPIC, No problem for you. But, you remember, you told ‘’ when things are not ok for you , it is same for me’’. We came to Chennai. The consultancy, where I was working, was closed. The bell curve came to deep bottom. You gave your fullest support . we started from the scratch-gave a descent education, very good life partners to our beloved daughters. We could be able to own a descent flat better than we owned in Ashoknagar. We came to the somewhat respectable position in society. I was thinking of making you more happier, since we have well carried out our responsibilities to our daughters. When I was reaching that peak of that bell shaped curve, it came to the scratch thru your death. What peak am I going to reach again in the rest of my life-what HE has in HIS mind for me ? I am not clear at present.. One thing is very clear we get what we deserve, not what we desire. We have to raise our deserving power instead of desires. Probably this poor man has to compensate with more good deeds in his future for whatever has been done in previous janmas which are not known to me. What cant be cured should be endured. ENDURANCE IS THE EVERLASTING CURE.. HE has given
that greatest lesson to me in my life., which I have taken to my heart bottom.

I am avoiding the marriage receptions of close relations& friends, for the simple reason, people started about my state of being now, for the sake of asking something. The will power and confidence level would start going to the scratch – resembling the ladder -and the snake -like thing in pambu kattam, we use to play in child life and also during Vaikunda Ekadasi day.

I was going to see Mandi Srinivasan, who was with his family in our Kanpur life.
He is suffering from Lung cancer, a torture. I was recollecting your days, where you were battling for life, without knowing what was going on, since in Coma state. You lived royally, death was also royal for you. The torture was not known to you. One way you were blessed.

You had lot of unfulfilled desires- a child for Kumar& Rama, longing for parental love, longing for rich life, which I could not give more as I planned till your death:- which When I planned to offer to pour, you were detached from me. I also had unfulfilled desires about you as a good singer. All these bunch of desires will come as a reality if you come as a child to Rama. Why are you delaying that? Why hesitation? Do it immediately., Santhamma.

Un Ninaive oru Sangeetham-Kala’s husband Narasimhan( LIC agent) had come last week, for collecting premium. He was telling very high about you. Very wonderful & kind lady-he was making remark about you mentioning about one incident where you offered butter milk when he came during a day time in summer. You would always give what is required , at the opportune moment. You are not giving the required for Rama, even now.

Subha was telling about her experience of getting motivated after wearing your bangles which she has taken it along with her recently. How she was upset in her job before and the state of things that changed on the day she wore that bangle – a new assignment given by her boss and the yearly bonus given for working merely for 2 months . Really your soul is a SOURCE OF INSPIRATION INDEED. I had a good experience on the day of your sothambam on Tuesday. I forgot to make the rice ready for the meals and for the crows to eat. I was awaiting the sasthrigal to come, who came late on that day. In that hurry bury I totally forgot the thing. A crow, probably , your good soul in that form was making huge noise as if reminding me on that. You are always with me, Santhamma.

I went alone( for the first time in life) for the movie-Sivaji thru Karthik Fine arts’ pass.. I was recollecting the first movie we saw together PATHRA KALI. Kannan oru kai kuzhandai –the memorable song you would be singing often. I am also remembering the first tour we went after our marriage, to Guruvayur and Palani where we had two different experiences-the pleasant dharshan at Guruvayoor and money snatching experience at Palani. I am now pondering over those memorable periods, at this juncture of torturing loneliness.

I am praying to HIM and requesting your good soul to bestow upon me the peace of mind during the rest of my life. HE need not take me to the peak of my bell shaped curve but HE should never drag me down to the bottom. That is my sincerest prayer to HIM and to your noble soul. Are you hearing this poor man’s prayers?

JOY OF LIVING LIES IN GIVING

2007-06-18T07:01:00.000-07:00

Santhamma, I am settling at Ashoknagar flat, enjoying the God-blessed loneliness. Sivakami chithi and chithappa have visited recently.

Vaithy is leaving for Dubai this month end. I will be the happiest person to see him in a good position, wherever he is. In fact it was your wish too. You remember that we asked him to visit Dubai and explore the possibilities and if does not materialize he can come back and join me. Poor boy does not have the confidence of shouldering the responsibility , when I decided to make him as a partner in MIND-QUEST. Should have been fumbled on my decision. Absolutely no regrets in his going to Dubai , but what made me upset was –he was not giving me a hint even on his plan, before my shifting to Ashoknagar , before making ready the partnership deed , before investment of huge amount for jobsite investment. All I did only for him. In fact I am running the Placement for his prospects only. God &your good soul has given enough for me , so that I can sit idle and pull along. But I want to keep myself engaged. That is the reason for my handling classes for MBA Programmes ( you use to raise your self esteem that I am the wife of professor Hari as against the old statement of the wife of a daily wage earner)
As a matter of fact I wanted to give the major share of placement business to him only. I have made him as the nominee for me in Mind-Quest. Poor boy does not understand the spirit of my actions and decisions. God and his AKKA’s soul should give the confidence & courage to face the tough, cut -throat competitive world. No regrets on anything. I might have owed to him monetarily in my previous janma and in turn he might have owed physical labour to me .Karma Account would have been settled by now, for that purpose only we take repeated births.

I attended an yoga & meditation programme by a dedicated Guru, Narayanan at West Mambalam , -really a God-sent one for my transformation. If the week long programme attended by me and Subha before her marriage, was to prepare me for the worst to happen to me ,thru your departure from the world, this programme made me more matured and more philosophical ,calm &composed . The oft saying by the Guru of that programme –don’t feel for the dear & near you lost-she is inside you –you are the part of the Universe and your departed wife is within you-so also your ancestors and future generations. Though it is too early to assimilate that truth , immediately after the programme, I am slowly moving into that state. It is your good soul’s inspiration that motivated me in continuing the programme ( I thought of stopping on the second day since I was afraid that the asanas may make my leg pain severe.. But the encouragement from Guru- you do it, it will strengthen your knees. I prayed to your good soul on that evening. To my surprise all went smoothly. I use to recall my experience at veda classes –the guru started scolding me , since I was committing more mistakes in akshara When I mentioned my desire to stop the practice, it is you who persuaded and motivated me in continuing. The motivation still continues to pour from you even after your demise. I am blessed.

Your helping hand for the needy and your compassion was always there in your blood. I recall your visit to SPIC Factory, wherein the security at the gate was manually lifting the gate , every time the people enter in. Can’t he get pain in his hands-why cant they provide automatic system? you made a request to the officer there.The same compassion from you made us donate Gas stove and donate money for one gas cylinder per month to Swarnapureeswarar temple at Ashoknagar , where they were cooking the prasadams thru wood stove. How difficult for them to prepare huge quantity with wood and spoil their eyes-you remarked; moreover the devotees also won’t have the good taste of the prasadams, due to smoke emanating from the wood stove, you perceived.

If somebody asks a thing saying that it is looking good-you immediately would donate that to the person. You wont keep anything with you –your joy of living is your joy of giving to others. That may be the reason that you landed me alone in this world to enjoy the love and affection of your daughters .’’You take the entire share. I have done my duty. You finish your rest and come back to me.’’ That may be the message you are giving to me –I don’t know.

Sreedhar came from Singapore .Though his stay was very short, it was a source of consolation for me . I followed your footsteps in giving everything to all. All the chocolates brought by him were given to the needy children . As you are aware, I wont taste any sweets including chocolates, after my sweet –heart’s demise. Joy of giving is really a joy of living- I learn now.

Little girl Subha has taken into her heart about my saying that she is responsible for her health –I can’t spoon feed hereafter. I did tell that just to hammer into her head about taking care of her health. I consoled her after seeing her blog in which she had posted a letter to you. In fact it is your strong message that all of us should take care of our health without being a burden to near& dear. That has gone into my sub-consciousness . That is the reason for my attending the yoga & meditation classes . I don’t long for longevity but only a hale & healthy life , whatever may be my life span.

UN NINAIVE ORU SANGEETHAM- I recalled your first birth day after our marriage , when you had one saree for you and one for our Geetha manni . Every year you buy more for your birth day and leave the major part for others This is the first year, when you are not there with me on your birth day. Rama & Subha did not fail to call me and recall that day . In fact I wanted to call all for a dinner on that day , but it could not materialize. I sent a cheque for an ashramam at Tiruvannamalai and arranged for annadanam for your memory. People call you annalakshmi- You live for that.It is very opt for that annadhanam on your birth day.

It is your soul and Lord Shiva who are with me for ever giving me the fortification.

I am enjoying the CD’s left by you .I enjoying the song Nanupa by Aruna Sairam , your favourite Raga, Mohana , as I prepare the blog for this month. The CD’s and books are the trusty & true companions for me at this
Juncture. When I enjoy the music, I feel that you are sitting by my side.
I am sure your spiritual presence will be with me till my breathing last.

Looking back III

2007-05-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

Santhamma, our second daughter had gone to Singapore and she got a good offer from Delphi. She is happy there. With HIS grace and with your good soul’s blessings, all go well. I have moved to the new rented flat at Ashoknagar, the place you were longing to move again in your life time, but the irony of fate was that you were living your last three conscious days at Ashoknagar itself. I am living lonely but with your soul by my side always. I have moved to your dream place. The flat is very good , might have been liked by you had you been alive. Now it is up to your soul’s side to be born to Rama and be crawling in this house. Whatever we feel we have left unattended to you when you were alive in this world, we should fulfill that to you as a baby . I am craving for those days, Santhamma. Are these words are heard by you ? Will you fulfill our desires?

Ramalakshmi, your sister-in-law has come with her husband Rangan, and they are going to South in an A/C car. They will come after 10 days. I am very happy on that which was shared by all our relatives. It is because of you and Ramalakshmi used to remember about one of your good deeds in the last part of your life. I could not have taken that bold decision without your back up. I recall those testing days before her marriage, where we were passing a very tough time .As you stood with me in all my tough periods, you did in that times too.

I leave early at 0830 AM and return very late. I try to avoid staying alone, where your memories haunt me . The change of place from Vadapalani to Ashoknagar makes me more peaceful and comfortable, being with old friends and our own relatives. As told on Vedas, one can live individually but can survive only collectively. We require others No man can live comfortably in an island.

I am utilizing these loneliness to pursue my interests more in literary pursuits. I have become a member of Karthik Fine arts , where I had attended the drama festival .I could
meet Mr , Varadarajan( TV fame , who had come to SPIC NAGAR and who traveled once with us during our journey to Chennai) Fate was cruel to him as it was to me. He had lost his wife, suddenly , during his train journey to his daughter’s place in Pune happened in the same Sep ’06 , We are (s) ailing on the same boat .Loving and caring wife, who stood by him always two daughters, First daughter settled in Pune . Second is getting married and going to Mumbai soon. It is said that happiness has only companions, sorrow is an orphan. But in my case I have a companion-a similar companion too in my sadness.. We promised to meet frequently and I have intention to pursue my interests in dramatic field.

I recall my days at SPIC NAGAR, at this juncture,when , one day I came very late after finishing the drama rehearsal . You with the small kids Rama & Subha were fast asleep in D-64 and did not open the door after heavy & continuous knocking at the door. The neighbour , a police inspector talked rubbish to me –any quarrel between you couple? Is she purposely making the delay? I made a determination not to come late afterwards. You gave freedom for my activities, so was with me for your singing . Rajkumar, who was asking you to sing for his troupe , was very much pleased with your voice and he was longing for my permission to allow you to sing in public places. Even though , I gave green signal , you were reluctant for that. I did not press for that. That was the understanding between us. You remember , one obscene post card , purposely written to make a rift between us ( later it was known to have been written by an Union activist , since I was tough with him officially ). I simply ignored it , only telling to my official boss about the price for my sincerity to the company , I was working for. Such was the clear understanding between us. We may debate but finally we come to a consensus. We always stood with each other. But the fate was so cruel that you went apart from me at the time, you have to be with me. Sumai thangi sainthu ponathu.
Some of our relatives, immediately after our marriage . have even commented, what is this life partner for you? It is not the educational qualification or intelligence that make a pair, but the mind matching that makes. I replied. As I use to quote the words of Kirubanandavariyar, white milk and black dikakshan make a good coffee, cold water and fire make a powerful steam. A stationery track and moving train alone will make a good journey, if both start moving , what will be the result? We were cited as a good pair. When some of the present day youngsters take hasty decisions and jump into nasty conclusions, if we stand as an example as the ideal couple, when you live in my heart , even after your departure from this world., I will get mental solace thru these pages of the blog. King Shajahan had created a Taj Mahal for his beloved wife Mumtaz. But this Hari could at least create a wordy monument for his beloved wife, which can stand as a role model for the younger generation. I am much delighted on that and I hope the same with your good soul too.

We were living happily , overcoming all the trials and tribulations. When., butter start accumulating , the storing pot gets broken, The proverbial sentence becomes true in our case. You should be born to Rama soon and enjoy the unfulfilled desires, in your last janma.

UN NINAIVE ORU SANGEETHAM- I use to recall your melodious voice , which I heard thru AIR Tirunelveli- for the first time –the song kantham pol izhukkuthadi. When I was vacating the Vadapalani flat, I had a small piece of paper in your personal purse- the sentences in that paper, you guess- Kurai onrum illlai marai moorthy kanna, kurai onrum illai kanna, kurai onrum lilai Govinda. When I opened one more cupboard, a similar sheet of paper was found to my surprise. You were always positive and your soul is continuously sending that positive signal to me, which I hope to get till my last breath.

Looking back-II

2007-04-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

Santhamma, our second daughter Subha has been staying with me for the past three weeks, overwhelming me with her heartfelt love &affection. Nice child , like her sister Rama , plans meticulously for her duties to her father during her stay here, keeping her engrossed in the household duties without minding her being away from her caring and loving husband, without minding about her being absent from Singapore-her presence is needed now very much for fixing a flat for their stay at Singapore. I am blessed amidst all the adversities , as I say often.

I have overcome the feeling of loneliness, the worst state of mind for a widower. The metamorphosis , undergone , gave lot of bitter experiences, trials & tribulations and useful learning experiences. too. I am getting what I deserve. We will have to lose something in order to gain something . Probably it is HIS wish that I will have to lose you in order to gain certain useful lessons about people, their different faces and so on. Or I might not have poured this much love & affection if you were alive. I am not clear. Thanks to astrologer Chandrasekar , who gave positive guidance thru his words, the guiding tools like EKHA MUGI RUDRAKSHAM& SAPHIRE STONE. What I was in Sep 2006 and what I am now –a clear & positive deviation .Thru his phone calls and his personal visit thrice to our place , he has made a distinctive mark in my mind. Thanks to him. Lord Shiva has only sent this Chandrasekar for transformation in my mind. He is more than my brother now. One thing I differ with him-his prediction even -that I will live more-may be ninety. Normally people long for longitivity – I am the one who don’t want to live more-the number of years lived is not important-but how usefully it is spent that is more important. I emulate you in that aspect. Spending the rest of the life( max 10-15 years-not more than that-as I fervently pray to HIM) carrying out my obligatory duties to my daughters& their families and to the society . Nee illatha ulagathile nimmathi illai
( there is no peace without you in this world) . Without any preferential attachment , without much worldly desires, the balance part of my life should be spent-the ultimate goal being the self realization. In that aspect the spiritual discourse by Swami Parthasarathy is of ample guidance for me. He has shaken my mind towards betterment. HE is guiding me towards the right direction, thru right type of personalities. Probably it may be HIS wish that I will have to lose you in order to gain that spiritual enlightenment-I am perplexed at this moment. The book on Nadaimuraikku nirvagam
( practical Management ) is almost ready- the spade work for which was started in your being alive in this world. You would have told a lot of people that my beloved husband has written this book. Unfortunately you are not there in this world- I have dedicated that book for my beloved bereaved wife. It is astrologer Sekar’s wish that I should write more books like that in the future-definitely your noble soul’s wish too, I am sure. When I start penning down, words roll down very freely , with your noble blessings. Another piece –god udan oru chat
( a chat with GOD ) is on the pipe line. Your demise has driven me towards the positive diversion of conveying good messages to the public thru my tongue and hand. HE & your noble soul should be with me always in that noble venture.

Whenever, I feel depressed, I don’t know, immediately, I could manage to overcome and come back to normalcy. I could recall the old Tamil song from the film- Karpagam by director KS. Gopalakrishnan- Mannavane azhalama, kanneerai vidalama-unnuyirai naan irukka-ennuyirai nee irukka( don’t cry my dear, I am with you) . You might have been separated from me physically but you are spiritually with me for ever. No doubt on this. Otherwise I would have been nowhere. I am somewhere now. And I should be at a distinctive place –in the minds of many thru my speech and writings-which I consider as a small contribution to the society- I am already on the job of designing a training programme -KARMIC INTELLIGENCE-employing the principle of Karma for betterment of one’s life instead of using with a negative connotation. It is my fervent desire that a trust under your noble soul’ s name should be formed. –SANTHA TRUST. That should be like a banyan tree, sheltering many .The proceeds out of all my books and the above programme-will go to that Trust .If HIS and your noble soul’s blessings are there for that, what can stand in the way? If our wishes, ways and means for that are for some noble purposes , definitely HE and your noble soul will be with me in that endeavour, I am sure.

UN NINAIVE ORU SANGEETHAM- I recall my days in 1976, when my father started my marriage proposal with a rich girl in our village, about whom I made a mention to you after our marriage. I was very firm in making you as my life partner –not because my grand father and my mentor Manicka thatha ( even now I emulate him as a role model in all facets of my life) asked me to do but also I longed for you. So many people claimed responsibilities for that marriage to happen( the same tongues feel sorry now for that marriage to happen- Oh, you lost your wife-you would have married somebody other than Santha –they say now.) What a twisting world? No regrets, Santhamma. Kurai onrum illai. We may not be living together , physically. But , you are with me in each and every moment of my life, wherever I move. That spiritual guidance is a great boon for me , a constant motivational force. When I am seeing a lot of couples , living only for the world, without any bondage, I am really proud that I am living eternally with you , though your being separated from me physically from this world. What ever little things I do for you daily-be it the rice-dhal-ghee mixture to the crows( imagining that you will come and eat in that form) or the jasmine flower I adorn with your portrait or the placing of the usual red coloured jacket piece ( as your representative ) during my daily pooja and taking that piece with me to my classes or other places –I do with utmost sincerity and pleasure from my heart . I feel your presence with me both psychologically and physically. I feel and I am sure too that only a very few couples will have that kind of pleasurable experiences , despite their being separated by that cruelest fate. I am proud to be one among them and I will continue to be in that list till my last breath.

Looking back- I

2007-03-18T09:23:00.000-07:00

Santhamma, I have spent almost 45 days, being alone at Vadapalani, with Lord Shiva’s blessings and your good soul by my side for ever. I am indebted to the caterer Mr. Sathya Narayanan, who supplies meals and tiffin regularly. The items are good, without upsetting my stomach. Though he cannot equate the taste of the items , you were serving with your motherly affection, he does a good job. He gives sumptuous side dishes, for which , I will be craving , as you are aware. I am trying to stabilize one by one, amidst all the uncertainties, the things for this craving stomach, after trials and tribulations. He supplies meals and Tiffin at 0800-0830 AM. Hungry stomach consumes the meals and I take the Tiffin with me and finishes it at the places wherever I will be. That is more convenient too, without the trouble of carrying meals. Use and throw aluminum foil gifted by Rama for her father is handy for the Tiffin. Night Tiffin, as you are aware, .I can manage with bread, corn flakes, biscuit, fruits and milk in the right combinations .When our servant maid Bommi, puts French leave(as is her usual) I am cleaning the vessels too, cursing her, which I was never used to. I am getting one by one new kind of experiences like these .I am accustomed to this new way of life, food and the more so the worst loneliness. So I need not worry on that, so also your soul.

Subha has gone to Singapore with Sreedhar, She will be with me after returning from Singapore and leave there by May. They were with me last month after my return from Dubai . Little child, pours her unstinted love and affection to her father, as Rama did. At Dubai .I have almost finalized a flat at Ashoknagar, in the same area, where we were about to finalise the flat owned by the son of Late. Sahasranamam , a seasoned actor .You were longing to move to Ashoknagar, a place of your liking and taste. It is HIS wish that I have to move to that area physically alone. Everything is good - daughters , relatives & well wishers are showing their love and affection. I am spending two hours daily for prayers, spend time on medidation, hearing your favourite carnatic music. I am conducting the classes as a professor and as a corporate trainer with regained spirit with your blessings. But the biggest vacuum, created by your demise, cannot be filled by any. A wide gap, which cannot be narrowed by any thing in this world.

As Sivaji Ganesan sings in Vietnam Veedu( a classic film in Tamil) Alam vizhudugal pol uravu ayiram irunthum enna, verana nee irunthai. veezhnthuvidathu irunthen .Enn thevaiyai yaar arivar? Unnaipol theivam onre ariyum( he compares his wife as the root of a Banyan tree, with the relatives to the branches- the root gives the stability. The needs of a husband will be known by HIM and his wife) When I was hearing the old songs ( the CD was meticulously made by our mappillai Kumar at Dubai for his FIL) this particular song was very much appealing to me. I will console myself with the feeling that your ever blessing soul is with me always. That is the reason that I am putting in all the gift covers for the functions I am attending-with best wishes from Hari& ever blessing soul of Santha from heaven.
The old Tamil film songs and music album from various carnatic songs collection you had made, are much solace for me at this period of life.. As Swami Parthasarathy told in his recent Discourse on Bhagavath Gita( I attended on all the five days) we get what we deserve and not what we desire. We have to increase our deserves not the desires. Probably I deserve for this melancholy as desired by HIM beyond my desires, the reason may be the effect of my deeds in my previous Janma., surely not due to the deeds in this Janma. The clear message after my Santhamma’s death, I get is –increase your deserves by more good deeds for the society-reduce your desires, which I scrupulously follow. Of course I am a very very ordinary human being. At times it is true, I feel for the cruelest loneliness, weep up the sad bosoms empty. But , I come back to normalcy, immediately. The motivation for that being is the clear message from your death-you were not a burden to any till your last days. EETHAL ISAI BADA VAZHNTHU VITTAI. I should follow that path , in all the days to come.The classic example , given by Actor Sivakumar- one may fail & fall in the first round in the boxing ground-but he should regain and manage to get up quickly, otherwise people will declare him out. is worthy to be followed. Human minds are bundles of emotions, but the intellect should overcome the emotions, without the mind being a slave to the emotions. This advice of Swami Parthasarathy, I am trying to follow in all the moments, when I fall in the brooding over the past.

UNN NINAIVE ORU SANGEETHAM-My memory goes back to 1977. A lean and alien Santha , slowly transforming into a more social lady after the marriage. As your soul and our well wishers appreciate , this poor man was also responsible for your development , some kind of identity for you. I am cherishing my contribution to that sphere of your life. We had debated and reached a consensus for all the decisions we made in our life, however major or minor, big or small. Once it is taken , it was ours. Not mine or yours. I am happy that we stand as a model couple in the eyes of others. The freedom , I am sure , you enjoyed as Hari’s wife, I feel , might have given birth to the freedom for our daughters with their better half, which was rightly pointed out by Jayashree, wife of our brother-in-law Sundar. A clear example of cause-effect.

I am hearing our favourite old Tamil film songs like-Ahayapanthalile pon oonjal aduthamma, Vizhiye ore Kathai Ezhuthu, Malligai un mannan mayangum, Ninaivale silai vaithen, kanchi pattuduthi karpura pottu vaithu, Manaivi amaivathellam Iraivan kodutha varam, taking me to our olden &golden days .

Sivaji Ganesan sings in the same song from the classic film Vietnam Veedu,( un kannil neer vazhinthal)- a more apt piece in that song- unnai karam pidithen valvu oli mayamanathadi unnai adainthathanal , sabayil pugazhum vanthathadi( after you became my wife I got fame, prosperity in my life). What is applicable to that prestiege Padmanabhan , is applicable to this sensitive Hari. Your lucky name brought many cheers to my life. You have left two pearls Rama &Subha from your womb. Kurai onrum Illai , Santhamma. I CAN LIVE PEACEFULLY WITH YOUR EVER-GREEN MEMORIES.,

Thani(mai) Kudithanam( LIVING ALONE)

2007-02-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

Santhamma, I am back to Chennai from Dubai .Enjoyed the warm hospitality of our beloved daughter Rama, Mappillai Kumar& our relatives. Rama prepared varieties of tasty food items, proving to be your daughter. More than the varieties , the care , concern, the true love & affection shown by her, made the foods more tastier and easily digested.I have regained 3kgs of lost weight , as assessed by the relatives & the lady selling iddlies near to our flat, who is really my well wisher. . You have given birth to a loving daughter& dutiful wife for which we should be proud of. I am blessed to have that type of daughter.

Staying alone in Vadapalani flat. Why the word lonely, when the soul of Santhamma& blessings of Lord Shiva are with me ( the two S’s –strength ) Why should I consider me as being alone, when I have my own world of music CDs’s and good companion of my favourite books ? I have chosen this loneliness consciously. I recall a nice piece of article, got recently from one of my well wishers. Certain incidents in that are much apt for me at this juncture, which I am reproducing below:-

An old widower is shown an old age home for living. Without actually seeing the room, he says he likes it. The accompanying man tells him he has not even seen it. How can he say in advance about his liking. The answer by the old man for this, is worth crores
‘’Happiness is something which I choose in advance , whether I like it or not. It is already made up in my mind that I will like this room. It is the same decision I take every day when I wake up . Old age is a bank account . Whatever you have deposited in your previous years , you withdraw it later. I follow the guide lines for happiness as
1. Free your heart from hatred
2. Free your mind from worry
3. Live a simple life
4.Give more
5.Expect less

Above passage is worthy to be followed by any, the more so by me at this state. I have accepted the harsh reality , reconciled and somewhat digested too. I will scrupulously follow the above passage in all the days to come. This lone peril state is one experience destined by HIM, which I should undergo without any hatred towards HIM or without any self pity .Probably I can be shown some compassion by HIM , for my good & obedient act, as done for an obedient and dutiful prisoner by the jailer.As told by the great dramatist Shakespeare, ‘’ All the world is a stage and all the men & women are only players.’ To the best of my knowledge and ability, I have carried out my duties as a faithful son, as a caring Husband to you and an affectionate father to our loving daughters, so far. That roles have been played well which will be well-known to your soul , HIM and to my conscience. The world will also endorse that, I hope. Probably HE and of course your noble soul may be watching my performance at the present destined role, which will also be fulfilled to HIS & your satisfaction ,I am sure. Each and every role is a new experience , given by HIM and the learnt lessons are more important than the experience itself. Probably your noble soul would have been more blessed to leave off this world without the torture of any kind, after fulfilling the duties& responsibilities much earlier. Or I am rather not blessed to have you with me, at the age , when ,I require your companion. I am not clear. One thing about your last days- you were clinically dead on that fateful 12th Sep Tuesday night. But LORD SHIVA purposefully delayed your departure till the most auspicious day, thithi, time on that 18th Sep Monday. Though it is not comparable for the souls of our ordinary human beings with that of noble Bheeshma, who Himself was awaiting the utharayana( falls in the month of Jan ) for his departure from this world. . My favourite GOD Lord Shiva was awaiting to take my beloved Santhamma, at the most auspicious time for HIM, making us consoled that we did our best for you-you were seen by our daughters , son-in-laws, & our close relatives. A twin purpose indeed by HIM.

The statement by the Josyar mama Chandrasekar that your noble soul will be with us guiding &motivating us, is proved each and every day. I have kept your favourite-coloured jacket piece with the jolna bag. Whenever I feel depressed, helpless, painful in my usual right knee, I used to take that piece, To my wonder& surprise –all will go off. People may laugh, but that cannot be explained, which was experienced by me . Sivakami chithi was also endorsing it about her experience of mediclaim sanction for chithappa’s cataract operation recently , when she kept your photo in her purse, during the hospital stay.

Ayyappan, the brother-in-law of Ganesa mama passed away , leaving his wife and daughter. Many helped the family, financially, this soul being blessed among those.
Thanks to Sivakami chithi for the nice motivation on that lines for me. The lady selling iddlies, was requesting for financial help for her daughter’s marriage, for which I immediately obliged. The amount given was very meager, but the smile on her face and the nice words with which she blessed our daughters, are worth billions. It is true that HE has put us in a financial state & state of mind to offer help for the needy. We might not have given any property to our daughters, but these are the treasures, we are saving for our daughters, which alone may go with them for ever, I am sure.

Un Ninaive Oru Sangeetham-when I am undergoing this Thani(mai) kudithanam in 2007, I recall our good old days in 1977, where we started our thanikudithanam at Jesudaiyar compound in Tuticorin. At that 150 sq ft small place, you remember- the owner, with 16 children-all name end with mani’s. You used to joke how the parents remember those children with their names. We were happier at that small place. I ask GOD why can’t HE place that happiness for ever?

I saw the Pillayar wall- hanging portrait gifted by you to all our relatives & friends at Dubai. All recall your noble soul, on seeing that portrait-a real tribute for your soul.

Pl continue to be guiding me, till I complete the assigned role & responsibilities and then joining with your noble soul. Pl recommend to LORD SHIVA to bestow the same blessings to me, as done to you in respect of reaching HIS ABODE, in my end, however nearer or longer that may be, even though my preference will be for the former. I don’t know HIS desire .Probably you may know it better.

Pannaiyar

2007-01-17T08:20:00.000-08:00

Santhamma, I will update you on the recent happenings :-
· I am in Dubai from 2nd Jan, enjoying the warm hospitality, love &affection of our daughter Rama& son-in-law Kumar,amidst the coldest weather here. Had been to Abudhabi, visiting Sundar &family. Been with Mama& mami. Rama was having the nostalgia about our last visit to Dubai during March 2004. She was mentioning about one incident wherein you were wondering about the smooth movement of lift in Rama’s residence The switch was not pressed properly and the lift was stationary–but your innocent words –porathe theriyalaiye( it was as if not moving) made all of us laugh . That narration by our daughter Rama to ammamma( your mother) made the latter’s eyes dense.
· Thaila’s mother-in law passed away suddenly .It is highly unfortunate that she passed away just before the Sadhabishekam (80th birthday ) function. Vaithy was telling about the same state of things happened in your case , wherein she was also carried, to Vijaya hospital, wrapped in bedspread. But, she had a very peaceful death, without any trouble for her & for others. Good soul, like you, indeed.

Sivakami Chithi used to call you as Pannaiyar ( rich person) , for which you highly deserve. You were rich in mind &action in giving everything to others. I was searching for the suitcase and bag, for travel to Dubai. I don’t know to whom you have given those. You had the mind to give only to others not the one to ask for. You will buy minimum of four or five sarees for every Deepavali, but finally one or maximum two will alone be for your use, the balance would go as gifts. That may be the reason , I suppose, that you left from this world, enabling me to get also your share of the love and affection from our two daughters. I am overwhelmed by the love &affection from Rama. You should be born as a daughter to her soon.

You are a pannaiyar after your death even. Chetthum koduthal Santha.( Santha gave after her death too) I got a sizable money as a death claim for you from LIC with your Jeevan Shree Policy.. You are really a pannaiyar, no problem, be at home or at the consultancy , from the day it was started on our 22nd marriage anniversary on 21st Jan 1999. I use to tell our Vaithy , who manages the placement business in our consultancy, that we should keep up the tradition of the consultancy. That should be our source of emulation for the days to come.

Our 30th marriage anniversary comes soon- the first year without your presence. How many years Jan 21st is going to witness with my being alone. HE and you alone are aware of.

You always say after each donation-we give one HE will give another. I had a thought to donate a sizable amount to the orphanage at Pallavaram, where we donated your old sarees . When I opened that topic, they told their intention of getting one refrigerator. Somehow I said ok. A cooler thing in memory of a ever-cool minded lady. That will tell your good memories for ever. We got their littering joy as a return for the fridge, we donated.

You were pannaiyar in all your life, you were iving a royal life,be at SPIC NAGAR, where we started our married life ,or at Chennai. Your last days at Vijaya hospital were marked like a function, huge crowds of relatives and friends. Everybody should have been much delightful if you had come back to life. We were only poor not to have that pannaiyar amidst us again. Your last rites were also done by us as if done for a old woman. You enjoyed everything at this middle age , which many old women would not have been. You were really a pannaiyar, in the truest sense of the word. I am happy that I was instrumental for
that state.

I am an admirer of the famous book, Who moved my cheese? The cheese in that book is a metaphor for the people/ things we desire , love or long for . HE has snatched my cheese –you- from this world. But the greatest lesson as told in that book is that- what next?- that should be the thought that should haunt one’s mind. What is next for me? The new year resolution made by me is that –past is a misery-18th Sep is the greatest tragedy in my life, which should not come to even to my bitter enemy if any. Future is a mystery, I don’t know the state of things , in store , for me. HE alone knows about that. But the present day –that present or gift should be lived peacefully, if not happily. That should be spent for my daughters & for the society. I am reminded of the old master-piece of Director Sreedhar-the famous film,. NENJIL OOR ALAYAM. A memorable song in that film- ninaipathellam nadanthu vittal, theivam veru illai, nadanthathaiye ninaithirunthal manathil amaithi enrum illai.( Man proposes GOD disposes- he only makes all to happen. If we lament for all that happened, there wont be any peace). This is very much applicable to me at this moment of life. HE has HIS own ways of performing things. If I brood over that, I will only spoil my health and peace and that of my kith and kins. As a HR consultant, I get an anology-an employee was snatched off his job by a HR Manager –to compensate that loss of job, he is given some benefits by the HR . At least those benefits act as a healing touch for the dismissed employee. Without that benefits, he would have been nowhere. He is somewhere now. I am like that employee. HE is the HR manager. The healing touch , I get , after I got infected with the wounds of my separation from you, as desired by HIM, thru our daughters, son-in-laws, and our relatives and friends, is something that makes me, to withstand the pain of separation. I am really blessed. KURAI ONRUM ILLAI. Santhamma I should continue your ways of dhana, dharma and my service as a trainer thru the rest of my life, which alone will be a glowing tribute to your good soul.

Un Ninaive Oru Sangeetham- I see you in each and every moment of my life-in the characteristic starting sound of our newly bought SAMSUNG TV, a few months before your death - the sound you like very much. I see you in the TV Ads by GOLD WINNER for their oil G for H , which was your favorite ad. I see you in your favourite song from Anniyan-andamkakkaa. I remember you every day , during my morning exercise, when you used to caution me against my hand &body hitting the near- by objects- PATHU PATHU . Who is going to caution me now? It is definitely your soul. I console myself with the feeling that your soul will be with me for ever, guiding me in all aspects, till my last breath.

Eethal Isaibhada Vaalthal

2006-12-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

The words, captioning the above title , suggested by Mahadeva Chithappa, are something that inspire me a lot , a source of emulation too, Santhamma..You have given a clear message that nothing is certain in this world, which is an event of happiness and sorrows. Whatever may be the duration of the period, we live, in this world, that should be used as an opportunity to do unstinted service and help for the deserving .As myself and Subha our daughter, use to refer of you frequently, the joy of serving is a joy of living in this world. You were living as an example for that, however shorter your life may be. I take that message in my heart and soul. I don’t know the time of my soul leaving this body(should not be more than ten years as I fervently invoke HIM) . But till my last breath , I should do something or other for the society, the step I have started already . With the financial help for the needy and with the Viddhai( skill ) given by HIM, I am on the job. Contacting a needy school, run for the students of only illiterate parents-a great service for the society, of which I want to be a part.

One touching event recently. You remember the old age home at Old Pallavaram , where we visited last year. I was planning to donate your old sarees, the balance remaining after gifting to our relatives. When I opened that topic to the lady , in West Mambalam, doing free service there, she showed me a pamphlet asking for sarees for donation to needy during their Padayathra , they are planning, in the near future. I was overwhelmed at that moment. and intend to give in cash too for purchase of new sarees, Should I not follow your footsteps? A friend in need, is a friend indeed. Your belongings paved way, after your death too.

Your brown colored jolna bag , your inseparable, is with me, whenever I go out. I have kept a jacket piece, bought by you, before your death, in that bag as a symbol of yours. Sekar, my co brother was telling it was very lucky for him when he took that bag for his office, for sometimes. One project , not signed , for a quite a long time , got signed, during the period, he carried along with him. Such a good soul , you are, he remarked.

The key for our vadapalani flat, tied to your , mangal suthra, is now with my Holy thread, a symbol of your ever-remembrance.

I should follow your path of service, that is the clear message I got after your death. I have only two options-one is like an average human being, lamenting for your death , torturing this body and mind-being a source of concern and pity for our daughters, son-in-laws and our relatives. I can’t be doing any justice for your soul , to me and to our daughters’& relatives’ family with that option. Of course the thought of yours would be coming every now and then , without that there wont be any significance and meaning for our thirty years of married life.. But I should come back to normalcy soon by HIS grace and your noble soul .The other option is carrying out my left out duties as a father and doubled with your role too, besides doing something for the students, that I can,. with my skill of training. I prefer to choose and will follow the second option.. You would always say that we should be different. I should fall in line with my beloved wife’s path-should I not?

December is a month of music festival, You would be longing to visit the Sabhas. You were telling that we should buy a season ticket at Vani Mahal this year..But HE made you buy a permanent ticket for Heaven. It is you who taught me to taste the music –poouodu serthantha narum manam petrathu. I may witness the programmes this year for a change and as your remembrance, but who will tell the ragas for each and every song sung there? Will your soul guide from Heaven?

The fact that you are recommending HIM fulfilling the left out aspirations in your mind , before you left this world, is proved one by one. Sreedhar, our second son-in-law is going for a better assignment to Singapore . Your being a noble soul has been proved right on your 13th day function –the subham function when we heard about the good news of Subashree( our niece) attaining puberty. You should recommend to HIM for many more good news not only for our family but to all our close circle and to the society .Amidst all your busy recommendations, pl keep in mind about this poor soul- constantly persuade HIM for the peace and solace to be given to this unlucky man. You alone can do that.

Rama , our elder daughter had left for Dubai. I was overwhelmed by the love& affection, care& concern shown by her during her stay here for almost 3 months –saving me from loneliness, without minding about her being away from her caring husband. . God gave that opportunity to be with her , enjoying her nice food coupled with her unstinted love. Subha phones up daily to enquire and sometimes cautions me for the intake of balanced diet for my good health. I have recently moved to Vaithy’s place at Ashoknagar , enjoying the hospitality , care and affection from him. He is like my son, not allowing me to do any job. What am I going to do for him? Thaila, Sekar and Sivakami chithi , Chithappa are all pouring their affection .I am really blessed amidst the adversity. Kurai onrum illai , Santhamma. Your good deeds are paying the ripe fruits for this pavathma.( ill-fated soul)

Thayodu arusuvai pom(meaning –tasty foods wont be there after the death of the mother). You were like a mother to me in terms of the nice variety and tastier foods, for which you were known for. I had not tasted my mother’s love and affection , since I lost her at my early life. You were the one who poured that love and affection ..The pity is that I along with my brothers were longing for nice food after our mother’s death., when our father was doing cooking before his second marriage. Alas, HE has made the history to repeat itself in my life. I had not appreciated your nice preparation, openly to you , but only boasting to others . More than the nice delicious food , the interest, involvement and the promptness you exhibit are worth of the salt. This was told by our close friend Pradeep and Sheela , when they visited our home recently. When I am going to relish that food served with love by you? .I learnt the love, affection and care for relatives after our marriage-probably you would have given all as a mother. That may be the reason probably, for your imagining myself as your son for doing the Karma( last rites) as narrated by the sasthirigal on your 13th day function.

The astrologer has asked me to wear a blue stone for peace and EKAMUGHA(single face) Rudhraksham for unified thoughts. The latter will be to have only your remembrance and to have LORD SHIVA’s blessings. I can only assure you that nothing can tempt this man –the ladies I see and talk to will be treated as my mother, sisters and daughters. Even without that EKAMUGHA, my conviction will be there for ever. The EKAMUGHA will reinforce that feelings and be a spiritual guiding force, ably backed by your noble soul.. I can spend the rest of my life with the kind and nice remembrances of yours and with the prayers to LORD SHIVA ( I am reciting Rudram and Samaham daily, followed by offering Sadham ( cooked rice ) to the crows , thinking that you will come and taste that in the form of a crow. That happens daily. I wont miss to do that act even when I go outside Chennai for training programmes (probably I may offer a bit of the break fast offered ) Anyhow ,I make it as a scrupulous practice .

Un Ninaive Oru Sangeetham-I will share more in the ensuing blog. I am happy that this blog has created certain positive impact upon certain couples, as informed over phone. At least there is some meaning and purpose for our being as a role model for others. HE has destined that to happen only after your departure from this world and from this unlucky husband. But I am lucky that I happen to be your husband. People in our close circle call me as Santha’s husband, which I am proud to cherish in my mind..

A Positive Mind

2006-11-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

Santhamma, the contents of the first blog , it seems , has made our well wishers with dense eyes and heavy heart. .The other side of it, may be, some might have perceived it as a ritual affair, made after the death of the most loved one. Some may view it as a blowing of one’s own trumpet. Both of the above perceptions, if they were be(might have been) , have to be dispelled .It is my duty to clarify my objective for the creation of the blog..

Apart from the expression of heart felt emotions and feelings towards your noble soul, from this ill-fated human being, the secondary purpose will be to enable the present day younger generation, get a feel of the true love, affection and bondage between the couples, for which , we stand as an example( as certified by many , despite a very few humanly draw backs in us, as perceived by me, when we lived together) .That bondage of love should transcend the ages and even the Janma, which should be well understood, chewed &digested by the present-day younger generation, who are more prone to jumping into hasty and wrong conclusions .Education should give confidence but not the arrogance. I know very well how the recent divorce cases in our close circles have affected your heart during the last part of your human life.. If a sizable number of couples( both present and future) realizes how they should live cordially, behave gently towards each other, learnt thru our relevant life examples, portrayed already & to be portrayed in this blog, it would serve the true purpose, I strongly believe and your soul also will endorse it , I am sure..

When you sleep peacefully, after the dreadful fever of human life( be the end hastened by chickun gunia, the treacherous villain? ) this lone person is loaded with more responsibilities, shouldering on this grief-stricken body and mind. HE and your noble soul alone should bestow me with the fortitude, so that I can fulfill my left out responsibilities and duties to my family and society. I have been paying my debt of gratitude one by one due to all .The present sufferings as a widower , destined for me by HIM are definitely not due to my deeds in this Janma. Probably I have to compensate with more good deeds to balance the bad deeds done in my previous janma, which I want to carry out during the rest of my life( max 10 years not more than that, as I fervently invoke to HIM in my daily prayers). I don’t have any personal desires for me as an individual. To meet to love and to part is the saddest tale of human heart . I don’t want to be born again and undergo that saddest tale more, for which I have started invoking serious prayers. HE has to bestow me with that blessings.

EETHAL ISAI BADA VAZHTHAL ATHUVALLATHU OOTHIYAM ILLAI YOYIRKU as told by Saint Valluvar (meaning – Living a life, praised by many with dhanam& dharmam, is what is required more for a soul). You have led that life, however shortest it may be. I will continue the rest, left out by you. With humble service, without a trace of ego ( half of my ego were shattered ,when you were wrapped in bed-sheet and crudely carried by the hospital boys on that dreadful day 12th Sep to Vijaya Hospital , when I was merely staring and standing like a statue without knowing to do anything; the remaining ego went volatile with the flue gases from the incinerator, when I was handed over a handful of my Kannamma’s asthi( bones and ashes) at the Kannamma Pettai crematorium, after your body was incinerated to ashes within mere 45 minutes . We talk rubbish , complain , fight and do all sorts of non-sense, without knowing that the same moment will be awaiting us some day or other. All these statements are not definitely coming out of Mayana Vairagya ( determination made at the burial ground) but by a firm conviction, made by this unfortunate soul. After your departure from this world, I have made certain resolutions and do scrupulously follow too:-

1. No sweets( my most favourite, as you were aware) chocolates, since my sweet heart went into coma due to low sugar, which haunts this poor mind. ( I have excluded biscuits, with your consent since this old man , during his lone stay, may long for them for quick questing of hunger.)
2. No mustache , since the one, who was much longing for it and asked me to grow that during our early married life, is no longer there with me. When the longing heart is no more physically, what is the need for this bloody hair?

Of course, I have kept my gentleman agreement, made after our marriage, that I would never call you DEE( calling a female in Tamil) at any point of time, barring only one occasion, when you cautioned me-enna dee varathu? Not that husbands calling their wives are bad , but we considered it as indecent, that is our own perception..

You had a very strong conviction, ever-positive mind which I always emulate . All for good, whatever happens will be for betterment, you believed and stood for that .You were very positive even amidst the worst, turbulent periods of our life. Even at the worst period of our life , when the consulting company I joined( after my quitting SPIC ) was closed, putting a big question mark, you were unraveled You remember your words? What if , we can start a mess-you have admin skill , I have cooking skill-I can’t forget those words ,of which I did make a mention in my interview with JAYA TV, a real tribute to your soul., I consider it now. When some of the women folk are tempting their husbands to make more money and torturing them despite the sumptuous earning , your words were giving me the strength of an elephant at that time. But for that, if your behaviour was also falling on the same track of those womenfolk, my place would have given way for grass to grow. I thank HIM for blessing me with that type of better half, which I cherish even now. Never came the word illai( do not have any) from your mouth. You were always contented and overwhelmingly positive even in any negative situations, which has taught me many positive lessons.

The same positive stand was there in you before our marriage &the last part of your life.. You remember –you have told about the incident before our marriage–an astrologer had told Manni( your mother) that you ( Santha) may not be liking me. You had told your mother if that was the case he did not know astrology –a clear & positive answer cannot be expressed by any other statement .I was also very firm that I should marry my uncle daughter .No regrets for some statements , after your death –for becoming a widower at this age did you marry her? 30 years of married life ,that too a meaningful life, is not a joke, it is not something to be fret upon,. but something to be cherished during the rest of my life.

I use to tell you very frequently during the last part of your life-Santhamma , you should take care of your health , you have obesity, leg pain, diabetics. We should not be a burden to our daughters and son-in-laws. We should help them without being a source of concern. For this oft-repeated statement, you wont answer anything, but will stare at me. I could not understand the implied meaning at that time. Now I realize that your staring was implying the clear message- I wont be a source of trouble for any , at any point of time. That staring was a positive affirmation .It has taught a meaningful lesson for me-you better take care of your body and mind-look after your health at least for the sake of your daughters , without being a source of concern for them. I should strive for that. HE and your noble soul should properly guide me on that.

Your oft-repeated , your favourite song ( sung by the immortal voice of M.S. Subbulakshmi) KURAI ONRUM ILLAI MARIMOORTHI KANNA, is something to be chewed upon , for the implied meaning. No regrets. We have plenty of everything. Probably we don’t deserve to have you with us for ever . Or, if we lose one, then only we get another, which is HIS philosophy of life., we can only take in that way. We have lost you. What we are going to gain, we don’t know at this stage. I have , for that matter, nothing to gain, but our daughters and son-in-laws have to gain more. Their happiness is my happiness, of course the happiness of your noble soul too.

At this moment , I want to share three recent incidents that happened , after your departure:-

1.One of our close family friends remarked as a part of the expression of his ritual condolences-How come are you alive , Hari,after losing Santha? How are you able to tolerate the cruel act of the fate? Did he mean to say that I should do the act of SATHI , practiced by women folks of pre-independence and by some practiced even now? Or should I curse HIM for showing this way? I can’t understand. Of course I wanted to come after you. But I have more duties to our beloved daughters, left abruptly by you.. Whatever may be the bitterest part of life, I am undergoing, now, after your departure from the world , all I have to , as destined by HIM. Probably I should have been instrumental in separating a loving couple in my previous Janma, for which , I am reaping out the consequences. I might have created more negative KARMA ACCOUNT. Instead of balancing the negative with more positive ones, which I intend to start in the near future, if I add on more negatives, where is the end? This worst experience is destined by HIM due to my bad deeds in my previous birth. I should have no birth henceforth or I should live peacefully in my next. My fervent prayers are for the former only.

2. One another statement came from another well( ill –wisher rather) wisher. He sincerely advised me for a second marriage. I busted at him and fired him left and right. Poor fellow does not know the true love and bondage between us. I told him my answer is a firm and clear NO . For that matter, if the same worst situation had come to me, at my say even 24 th age, instead of my present 54 th, and if that suggestion had come at that stage, the answer would have been the same. He has underestimated the meaning and significance of thirty years of our married life. I can only pray HIM to pardon .

3. One more statement about the astrological prediction made before our marriage. It was told at that time that the worst would happen at our Dasa Santhippu ( coinciding of the different dasas of the couple.) , at my age 32. One of our close circles was interpreting that period as this present fateful period. Oh it was predicted by him at that time. What if? We have led a purposeful and meaningful life, however shorter it may be. Even if they had predicted, before our marriage, that you will go off at the age of 48 , that would not have deterred me in marrying you.

See the tendencies of people. We can only pray HIM for giving them good kayenavasa manasentiyarva( good mind, words, deeds)

You remember, we have a wall portrait( decorating our main drawing hall) specially designed and presented by Preethi’s mother, for one of our wedding anniversaries-the caption in the portrait is reminding me your good soul always:-

Flower is the symbol of love. Spread its fragrance across the hearts .
You are like that flower. I am smelling that fragrance daily even now. .Your words, your song, your good deeds are good remembrances , which the cruel fate can’t erase from this mind. That will be everlasting .It is said that aspirations left unfulfilled by good people during their life time, would be made to happen by themselves , after their departure from this world, with their blessings from Heaven. You are proving to be one among them-yes good news has started coming for Kumar, our first son-in-law in his career front, for which we both were longing , when you were alive. I long for yet another good news for Rama, our elder daughter, that your good soul gets an entry in her womb, soon .You will soon be coming back to our family. That unfulfilled desire of yours ,in your life time, can be made to happen by you only. As the sasthirigal pointed out on your 13th day function, it will be the choice of your soul. Pl do make it happen. We can also pour the left out love& affection to you , when you are returning back as a child to the same family.Pl bless Subha& Sreedhar –our second daughter &son-in-law with all the good fortunes

UN NINAIVE ORU SANGEETHAM. I will share more thru this blog my green memories with you, venting out my true love & affection towards you, enlightening and educating our younger generation ,at the same time .That I consider as my small contribution to the society.

communication with a noble soul

2006-10-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

This is not an ode to Nightingale. But, certainly, will be my constant communication with the soul of my own Nightingale, Santha, the magnet that attracted this iron piece. (Kantham pol izhukkuthadi sahiye , en Kanthimathi ammayin……..the first song, I heard from her sweet voice and her best, prize winning song too, still reverberates in my mind.)

This blog will be recollecting my journey, with my better-ever- half , which was abruptly stopped by the cruelest fate, deciding that she should be better off from me. Santhamma might have alighted down well before me, but her soul travel will continue with me till my end., guiding and motivating me throughout..

Santhamma, you were not able to hear our words from the moment you were admitted in the hospital till you breathed last. .
I am sure your soul will hear my voice, from the moment, it leaves your body,

Your Life journey till that fateful 10th Sep was a pleasant one, is it not? Am I not a part of that? Was I not making you happy and beside your desires and deeds?.

Santha –Santha Hari-Jayceerette Santha Hari- a PR figure-unadulterated compassionate lady- Ponamma mami-Shivaloha prapthi on that Maalaya Krishna Patsha Dhuvadasi thithi.

Your journey ,marked with the colorful transformation , is worthy to be cherished for a person traveling together for around 30 yrs , which will be shared in this blog

You may be short-lived. But you have seen all, at this madhyama life, as you frequently utter.. You have seen all, living like a queen. I am happy that this soul was by your side for all your good deeds. You were with me during the critical part of my life, encouraging me, motivating me, during the crisis. Behind every successful man they say there will be a woman.. You prove to be of that type. But, you are not there at this ripe moment , the time of enjoying the fruits. The only unfilled desire for your soul is-you have not seen any grandchild. But you will be reborn in this family to Rama, soon. I am sure , your soul will give a firm yes to this fervent prayer of mine. Will it not?

People call you Annapoorani, but the irony of fate was that you embraced death , the starting point being the low blood sugar. Should that fate be too much cruel to you?

You were a high PR figure , giving that psychological oxygen-they call it as stroke –the recognition, the appreciation. I may teach Transactional Analysis, strokes in my lecture. But you were the one , who really practised it. But, again, the same cruel fate , made you long for that physiological oxygen, filling your lungs with acidity, coming from the vomited material.

Righteous are forsaken –the reasons given may be many. But, that has happened to my Santhamma. I have been lamenting for my destiny right from that cruelest day 18th Sep till today, 16th Oct..

The lady who sells idlies nearer to our flat , Santhamma , you remember that lady, called me on this day , exactly after four weeks of your death , the day on which , the first thithi of yours was performed.

I can take those words told by that lady as coming only from your soul!

"Ayya, enna ippadi elaichu poittenga, packa romba kashtamayirukku. Muthu mathiri rendu potta pillaya pethupottu poyirukka maharasi . Atha rendayum, oru thayaa , thakappanaa vechu kappathunga ayya. Ponga , dhairiyama irunga "

A paradigm shift indeed. I could find the transformation in me. The motivation you were giving , still goes on., my dear Santhamma. Pl continue that for ever.

The book , written by my close friend, Dr. Bala – one of his best pieces-Prarthanai , which I admire most, was read again. I got new meaning for his prayers –a new meaning for my own life. Thanks to Dr .Bala, for presenting that book to me. Thanks to that lady, selling iddlies for the apt words at the appropriate moment.

Will your soul hear that prayer with my own interpretation for my present life?.
I dedicate these prayers to your noble soul, Santhamma.

Prayer No 1:- I LOVE YOU GOD
God’s ways are for some purpose. We have come to this world for some experience, based on our poorva janma karma- the experience of joy& sorrow, love&, hatred, good&, bad etc.
We have to ultimately balance that karma into a positive one. HE may be having some purpose for my present state, the reasons may not be known to this poor soul at this moment, can’t be analysed too at this moment., which is foolish too. I love you GOD for all the good you have shown to me. Pl make me realize the true path and ways for betterment not for anything to me in person, but for my daughters and their family and to the society.

Prayer No 2:- THANK YOU GOD

I thank you GOD. GOD, you have closed one door dashing against my face .But you are showing many opened doors –many mind doors, whose significance is worth more than crores. The love & affection of my two beloved daughters –the two Muthu- my wife has begotten ,the unadulterated love & affection of my two-son-in-laws-the two Manickam, you have shown - the relatives and friends –the more so our sambanthi-Mrs. Mythili Gopalan & Mr. Gopalan , who, were with us during that hours of need. Thank you GOD for everything. Such noble minds are there even in this Kali Yuga. How am I going to repay that debt?

There is a prayer to YOU by somebody.

I was in blues, because I had no shoes, until I see a man in the street , who had no legs. Life is an event of consolation. We always make ourselves consoled, on seeing people worst than us in many aspects. No doubt , YOU dragged my better half abruptly. But , it is YOU who made me take that most painful decision in my life, on that fateful 18th Sep-the decision to with draw the life support for my beloved Santha, but for that, that soul should have undergone much torture, with the ventilator. How long, could she have continued with artificial support, testing the patience of everyone including mine?
There are many patients, who are in COMA state for months or even years together, Thank you GOD, you never landed her in that peril state. She lived like a queen , died like a queen. Thank you GOD for saving that great soul from the torture, without even realizing that torture, undergone for more than five days, because of being in the unconscious state.

I am told by a best astrologer, that the worst period had come for me and my beloved Santha during last October itself. Either one of us or both should have been off from this world. Since my planetary positions were better than Santha’s, I escaped, he says.

Alas, I can’t imagine Santha , as a lady without me. .It is better that mine to be a widower. She cant tolerate that mental agony, that torture. She wont have that mental stamina. It is better for her to be better off than to be that kind of physical& virtual bitter half. I can’t even imagine that. Thank you GOD for gradually preparing me, well in advance, for the future shock, you planned to give for me, with the vedas & spiritual practices . Thank you GOD for those base, the foundation, but for that I should have gone mad, without bearing able to tolerate that irreparable loss..

Prayer No 3:- GOD YOU ARE INSIDE ME

Without that , this poor soul would have not dared to take right decisions, face the harsh reality.Pl continue YOUR ways and means to make me realize to take life as it is, accept people as they are. This greatest lesson , if understood by the poor souls , like me, what can harm us and the inside YOU?

Prayer No 4:- I ATTRACT GOD’S BLESSINGS
YOUR’s blessings are always with me. I seek that for ever till my last moment. I wont have worldly desires for me as an individual. I should live for my daughters and their families and for the society . I can’t compare this poor soul with that Great soul- Bhishma.This soul is far far away from that state. But, my life, hence forth, will be as practiced by that great soul. O GOD, will you give me that privilege, given to that noble soul-to leave this world at the time, it desires? Will you grant me that will to leave the world at the time, this soul feels, it has finished its duties and responsibilities to all concerned-including to my daughters& family-they are safe, peaceful and happy- for whom this poor Hari will be a THAYUMAANAVAN .& to the society, as a service provider for which ,the departed soul of my better half Santha has left something unfinished. All my prayers henceforth, will be for that only. This soul will be the happiest, if it leaves from this bhootha udal during the time of such prayers to you my GOD. I am sure, I will attract your blessings on those lines.

Prayer No 5:- GOD, I SEE YOU EVERYWHERE

Since I see YOU everywhere, I want to do service to the society, with the skills bestowed by you-the training skills. Training the younger minds, on the right attitudes, values, aims to face the world boldly.

Prayer No 5:- GOD, BLESS , I love….YOU

In our journey together, myself and Santha had some unpleasant experiences with some, for no fault of ours-the reasons may be, those would have settled the poorva karma with us –GOD ,I forget those, this poor soul won’t have the eligibility to forgive them-only YOU have that. Still I( and the departed soul of Santha too ) love them . pl forgive them and bless them.

Prayer No 6:- GOD, LET ME DO YOUR GOOD WORK

Different people do different types of service to society. You have given some skill, the worth of which can be judged by YOU only. With even that worth, this soul wants to do service to the younger generation, through the training programmes, teaching our moral values to them-especially the young unmarried men & women who are prone to divorce quickly after marriage .This has greatly affected the departed soul of Santha. This soul wants to undertake this activity seriously as a part of the contribution to that noble soul. GOD give me the physical & mental stamina to undertake that mission. Give me the sareera & athma bhalam towards my journey.

Santhamma, is your soul listening to those prayers?

I am able to recapture your frequent words,Santhamma, said through our landline to my mobile when my being away from you gets prolonged-engha irukkel ? I will give the usual reply-itho vandunde irukken. The significance of that word 'itho' was not well understood at those times. Now , well understood . The exact timing of that 'itho' for reaching you , I don’t know. But, I am sure and pray ,that should be my own privilege to be given by HIM. As mentioned in my prayer to HIM, my fervent appeal is for that privilege only.